“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, ‘It might have been.’”
– Kurt Vonnegut, best-selling American novelist
“Oh dear,” said my mother, “I think I’ve come full circle.”
Some time ago, I had the joy of taking my mother shopping. As she was confined to a wheelchair and didn’t get out much, she was excited to go downtown and visit a few shops. At the exact moment we entered one of the stores, a young mother pushing a baby in a carriage left by the other door. We stopped for the briefest moment, smiled and moved along.
“We’re both being wheeled about,” noted Mom, “both of us toddling.”
My mother was not one to end her days filled with regrets – she had lived her life to the fullest, and though she had been a widow for nearly 30 years, she didn’t dwell on what might have been, instead filling her days with a variety of exciting hobbies and undertakings. When she was able, she gardened and tended her flower bed and, as her mobility diminished, she took up flower arranging and painting – even teaching a watercolour class at the drop-in centre.
We’re all on the same journey but why is it that some of us seem able to grow older graciously and gratefully while others are filled with regrets, what ifs and sad if-onlys?
I think there’s wisdom in Mom’s choice to stay active doing things you enjoy. Too many people buy into the notion that doing what they love will have to wait until retirement. Here’s the shocking truth: retirement is not guaranteed. Nothing is guaranteed. I had a friend who was a highly skilled woodworker – a hobby he found relaxing – but he put off the hobby until he could retire comfortably from the job he despised. A few months short of his retirement, he suffered a near-fatal heart attack. This abrupt and unexpected occurrence is not uncommon and sometimes is required to jolt us back into the moment. Fortunately for my friend, the attack roused him into wakefulness, and he changed. Not everyone is so lucky.
Like me, you have no desire to languish in the land of “I should have, could have, would have” when you reach the end of your journey. So, like me, you’re going to have to make some changes. First, stop being busy being busy – make time for the important people and events in your life. Second, toss out that mental folder that reads, “When time permits.” Third, focus on the important rather than the urgent. To gain perspective, it’s important to cease our frantic pace, at least for a brief time. Stop, stand still, let the dust settle and objectively assess.
What’s important to remember is not to let obligations overtake your life. Sometimes, we feel bound by obligation and the need to be responsible. I used to be the type of person who was always helping others at my own expense because I thought it was the right thing to do.
I’m not suggesting you become selfish by any means. There’s a place for responsibility in a healthy, prosperous existence. Selflessness must never be expressed without limits. It’s important to consider your motivations. A desperate search for validation can lead to a series of woeful regrets.
On the topic of regret, American abolitionist and author Harriet Beecher Stowe wrote, “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”
Near the end, family members purchased for Mother a motorized wheelchair, which allowed her greater freedom to move about. She did, testing the chair’s performance often as she raced around outside, enjoying nature and dropping in for tea with old friends and neighbours.
Who’s to say if our full circle will lead us into the golden years but one thing is for certain: the individual with good self-esteem will recognize that he or she cannot wait until tomorrow to make the changes necessary to ensure a happy, abundant and regret-free life.