“Success cannot be built on resentment and fear.”
– Author Unknown
“Save your pseudo-psychology for someone else!”
Charlie was a pot of resentment boiling over. Anything I said to him was perceived as a slight – a judgment – an affirmation of his ineptitude. I didn’t think Charlie was inept. Not at all. Charlie was quite a skilled shop manager. Sadly, he had been placed in an unprofitable division and despite his best efforts had been unable to set his section back on course.
Already second-guessing his decision to accept the promotion, Charlie felt trapped. With constant pushback from employees, he had begun to lose faith in himself. Over time, Charlie spiralled into a depression that threatened to carry him back to a time of self-loathing and defeat.
Feeling trapped and unsupported by management, Charlie became angry and resentful, which negatively affected his decision making. He began to project his anger outward at his employer and team members. He felt that the company had taken advantage of him and made success impossible.
Anger generally signals that some line has been crossed or an expectation has gone unfulfilled. Like I was attempting to explain to Charlie, anger can prompt affirmative action or the decision to change an unjust situation, and that can be tremendously beneficial. Anger can motivate us to remove ourselves from negative influences and work toward positive change.
If there isn’t a solution or a willingness to address the cause, anger can turn inward and become the toxic emotion of resentment. I remember years ago discussing a work-related issue with a friend. At the time, I was angry and resentful. My friend asked me, “Who owns you?” When I asked for clarity, he explained that either I owned me or my anger did. I got the message.
When you hold tight to your anger, it takes possession – it owns you. It throws your whole perspective askew and continues to add stress to your life. This caustic emotion can become habitual and prompt you to develop and maintain an unhealthy victim mentality.
Resentment is a hot coal we carry in our hand hoping to throw at the person we resent. It harms our health and mental well-being. Chances are the target of our resentment doesn’t know how we feel or might not even care. Resentment fulfils no positive function.
In Charlie’s case, his resentment began to twist his perspective, reinforcing a belief that he couldn’t trust the company. This, even though he had worked successfully for the company for some years.
Eventually, he left the position, and I lost track of him. Perhaps there was some truth to Charlie’s assertion, as the company eventually closed the division. Even so, anger and resentment likely blinded Charlie to the lessons that come from such failed endeavours.
There are consequences to holding onto resentment. I have experienced them all.
You’re not much fun to be around. Most of us prefer to be around people who are confident, upbeat and cheerful. Do those sound like attributes of someone who is resentful?
Resentment gives you an excuse to play the victim. Resentment disempowers you and stalls your personal development. It undermines your self-esteem and taints your outlook.
Maintaining resentment saps your energy reserves – energy that could and should be used to achieve positive goals and outcomes. It’s debilitating mentally, physically and spiritually.
“Holding a grudge and harbouring anger (and) resentment is a poison to the soul,” wrote American best-selling author and motivator Steve Maraboli. “Get even with people, but not those who have hurt you. Forget them. Instead get even with those who have helped you.”
Choose now to break the chains of resentment that have tied you to fear and mediocrity. Perhaps you’re justified in feeling resentful, but why link yourself emotionally to toxic people and harsh and hurtful situations? Unshackle yourself and reclaim your power.
Murray Fuhrer is a self-esteem expert.