The first years of her life were spent fighting against being constantly abused by the ones she should have been able to trust. Even attempted suicide did not help. What changed the most was the way she viewed life. Where she should have been a child running through the meadow like in so many commercials, she instead was fighting the constant dread of the abuse. Any thought of a ‘normal’ life, over time became a self-hate and self-recrimination situation.
Then to combat this, the next 20- or 30-plus years were spent ingesting various substances; alcohol, crack, meth and many others, all in an attempt to feel normal without the haunting memories. The self-destruction was just a by-product of the chosen lifestyle. A couple of failed marriages to more abusers led to more and more self-hate and the pain inside was just too much to bear.
In the midst of this self-abasing lifestyle shines a small glimmer of hope. She had ended up in a city she didn’t know or like, and became attached to a group she thought was crazy for their beliefs. Their beliefs included the thought that anyone of any stripe with any kind of background could be cured, completely. “Impossible” she thought, “that could never happen!” But what she observed in these people was more enticing than she first thought, so slowly on she realized that she was the one to have to make a change to her heart.
She did make that change and most of the time she feels ever so grateful, but there is another side to the coin. In all those years of imposed abuse and also the years of self-inflicted abuse, her mind and her heart had gone through a total refabrication. Now that she has gone clean for many years, the biggest battle she faces is desperately trying to get her heart and mind back to a semblance of normalcy.
There are about five or six women who have been through this same process that we have witnessed at Potter’s Hands over the years, and the most of them are in the process of trying to re-establish their life. Those of us who have not lived through these situations often feel that once a person goes clean, that life should return to normal; that does not always happen.
All those years of negative life left a ‘carved in stone’ image on their hearts and minds. All the fears, depressions and false outlooks have for the most part been such an unmoveable part of their lives, that now to all of a sudden to change that into an innocent childlike attitude is next to impossible, but for some it can be done. The rest continue to suffer for the rest of their lives.
Imagine if you will, the worst thing that ever happened to you in your life. Have you noticed that you still remember it? You see, it left an indelible impression on your memory. It is no different with these folks, but they don’t just have one incident to remember they have thousands. Depression has become a permanent fixture in their lives, so each time it raises its ugly head, they go through all the same things again.
All the efforts of psychologists, counsellors and help agencies are a definite help, but the best of efforts cannot change what they can’t touch; a wounded person’s heart. The mind can be worked with but the heart is an area in a person’s life that only that individual can do their best to remedy.
With a history that reads like a rap-sheet, it is a daunting task to produce – a change of heart!
Chris Salomons is the kitchen co-ordinator at Potters Hands.