Sometimes you don’t really miss someone until they are not a around for a while. Which is sort of like that old country song: How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away? But it’s like that with some people. Take Dr. Reginald Smoot, for example. I mean, really take him – please!
It’s been quite a while (and not long enough) since ole Hay’s Daze had a visit from the good doctor here on these Saturday pages. You remember Dr. Reginald Smoot? The guy who got his so-called ‘PhD.’ by correspondence from the University of Carrot River (Saskatchewan)? You don’t? I’m not surprised.
But once again, our expert on just about anything ludicrous is here (uninvited) to answer a few of your questions. And since it’s difficult to hear your questions from where I’m typing right now, with your permission I will ask a few important questions on your behalf.
Hay’s Daze: “Dr. Smoot, since we haven’t heard from you in a while, can you share with us what you think is the single most important thing you’ve learned in the past year of your university tenure out there at Carrot River?
Dr. Reginald Smoot: “I certainly can.”
Hay’s Daze: (pausing) “Um, right. Go ahead then.”
Dr. Smoot: “Pardon me?”
Hay’s Daze: “Go ahead and tell us.”
Dr. Smoot: “Now?”
Hay’s Daze: “Oh my g…”
Dr. Smoot: “Oh, I see. Yes. Now. (clears his throat) The most important thing I’ve learned is that the famous actor and one of my personal favourite thespians Morgan Freeman wears earrings so that if he dies in a strange place they will pay for his coffin.”
Hay’s Daze: “What?”
Dr. Smoot: “It’s true. Also, did you know that the average cloud weighs 216,000 pounds?”
Hay’s Daze: “Um, are you sure?”
Dr. Smoot: “That’s nothing. Your typical storm cloud weighs 105.8 million pounds!”
Hay’s Daze: “Where are you getting this inf…
Dr. Smoot: “If you live in Alaska for 190 days and you aren’t a convicted felon, you get an annual check from the state just for not leaving.”
H.D.: “Are you sure you aren’t talking about Saskatchewan? And can I just take a quick peek at your diplomas?”
Dr. S.: “Did you know a Dutch designer is currently working with scientists to develop glow-in-the-dark trees.”
H.D.: “Glow in the dark trees.”
Dr. S.: “Exactly. They hope to someday use them as street lights.”
H.D.: “That’s actually not a bad idea. Are you sure that …
Dr. S.: “And while we’re exploring salient scientific phenomena, let me just remind you that jaguars often get high by eating hallucinogenic roots which heightens their senses during hunting.”
H.D.: “Say, Reggie, you haven’t been digging into the old hallucinogenic roots yourself lately, have you?”
Dr. S. “The most expensive canine in the world – a canine being scientifically a kind of dog – is the Tibetan Bull Mastiff which is worth $1.5 million! And don’t call me Reggie.”
H.D.: “But Smoot, what are you…
Dr. S.: “It’s Dr. Smoot, thank you very much. In the lofty circles of academia I am known for my impeccable exhaustive research work regimen.”
H.D.: “You’ve been surfing the Weird Facts and Wacky Trivia website again haven’t you?”
Dr. S.: “Giant Pandas don’t have any specific sleeping spot. They simply fall asleep wherever they happen to be.”
H.D.: “I have an uncle like that.”
Dr. Smoot: “Also, donkeys and zebras can mate. The offspring are called Zeedonks or Zonkeys.”
H.D.: “Dr. S. – who is the dumbest PhD in all of Saskatchewan?”
Dr. Smoot: “I’ll have to look that one up. And don’t call me Dr. S.”
Harley Hay is a Red Deer writer and filmmaker.