In the realm of recreation-league hockey, there is a long list of accepted truths and traditions known only to those loyal to the lowest levels of the game.

Be it battle or sport, nothing bonds a group of men more effectively than uniting against a common enemy.

Well ... that and being forced to shower together on a weekly basis.

Below are a few items I’ve highlighted from the previously unwritten rec hockey code of conduct:

• In all levels of hockey, your team is perceived as the most righteous and deserving team in the universe. Your team is comprised of a bunch of colourful, high-quality individuals — like the Mighty Ducks. The other teams are comprised of jerks, goons and low-lifes — like Team Iceland.

• No one ever wants to be the last guy to arrive to the locker room, lest he is forced to sit beside the teammate with the stinkiest equipment.

• Every win is credited to hard work and a solid team effort. Every loss is blamed on unlucky bounces and poor officiating.

• All losses should be mourned with post-game beers. All wins should be celebrated with post-game beers.

• Any player keeping track of his own rec hockey stats will be forced to play with teammates of limited skill for the next game — and be ridiculed mercilessly about his plus/minus.

• Any instances of fighting, body-checking, or overzealous physical play will be followed by ridicule — no exceptions.

• Missed breakaway opportunities will be followed by ridicule — no exceptions.

• Any goaltenders allowing ‘muffin’ shots from the hash marks or beyond should expect to be reminded of it for up two weeks.

• When an opposing player puts on a dominating, multi-point performance, that player should be labelled a hot-dogger and accused of being a junior B washout. Comfort your frustrated teammates with phrases like, “He got lucky a few times.” or “Without that one guy, that team is garbage.”

• Following consecutive losses, a respected team leader should always remind the dressing room that, “Everybody makes the playoffs.”

• Every team should have some sort of good-luck charm or talisman that teammates can wear to help break out of a scoring slump. If the slump continues, confiscate the lucky item and blame your teammates’ blatant lack of talent. *Our team circulates a pair of hideous green and yellow socks known as the ‘slump busters.’

• You’re not playing for the Stanley Cup. Excessive celebration shall be remembered and answered, likely via stick to shin.

• Players should not text or call wives or girlfriends from the bench during a game (exceptions may be made if wife or girlfriend is in labour).

• If you choose to bring your wife/girlfriend to watch the game, expect that she will be oggled, judged and crudely discussed by your teammates and opposing players.

• For domesticated men, rec hockey offers a once-a-week opportunity to play rough, drink beer and talk like a pig. The dressing room is a safe place to discuss work, relationships and other important personal matters, but crying is not permitted. Anything you say can and will be used against you at some point during the season.

Leo Paré is the Advocate’s online editor.