So, there was a little blurb in the paper earlier this month that got me wondering about things a little more than most little blurbs in the paper.
It was all about the fact that the federal government in our politically discombobulated neighbours to the south has decided to ban funny messages on highway signs. You would think they might turn their energies to attempting to save the unfolding disaster around the Republican’t and the Democrappy parties but no, they’ve decided to pick on stuff that makes people smile once in a while.
Coincidentally, on the very same day a buddy of mine who shall remain nameless (Rick) sent me an email containing a whole bunch of funny signs. I took it as a sign.
I’ve written about Vince the Sign Guy before. He’s that excellent dude who lives in Colorado and puts up funny roadside signs welcoming travellers to his small town of Indian Hills. Things like: “Taking steps to overcome my hiking addiction but I’m not out of the woods yet.” And “Women’s Roofing Expo this weekend. All the shingle ladies will be there!” Vince is a town volunteer, has become world famous on the interweb and his Vince the Sign Guy calendars, playing cards and other merch is selling like hotcakes.
So the little blurb I referred to earlier got me a little worried that Indian Hills, Colorado, not to mention the entire world, is going to be deprived of Vince’s wonderfully awful twice-weekly puns and groaners. “The doctor said I have high nitrates, so I’m switching to day rates.” “The banana went to the doctor because it wasn’t peeling well.” “Laughing out loud is forbidden in Hawaii because it’s A Low Ha state.” And isn’t life just a tiny bit better when you read Vince’s latest: “Ants never get sick because they have little anty bodies”.
So I committed myself (and I should be committed) to at least 3 minutes of intensive research by mousing around randomly and I feel a bit better now.
Not only because I read another VTSG sign: “I was in a band called The Hinges. We opened for The Doors” - but also because I discovered that the U.S. Federal Amusing Sign Ban appears to only apply to those big overhead electronic signs on major highways. Apparently, it’s become a thing with Departments of Transportation in some states to display “funny” signs as a means to get safety messages across. Things like: “Visiting in-laws? Slow down, get there late.” And “Hands on the wheel, not your meal”.
The U.S. of Eh Powers That Be claim that these types of amusement displays are distracting drivers and so the Feds down there have come up with a little directive declaring that signs must be “simple, brief, legible and clear”. The little directive is 1,100 pages long! (No wonder they are having trouble putting Mr. T. in jail.)
So it appears that Vince’s missives, like: “I wear memory foam insoles to remember why I walked into the room” and “Man in boxers leads police in brief chase” and “I got booted from the coffee club because I wore a tea shirt” are safe, for now. He can keep up posting gems such as: “Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing” and “Beer doesn’t make me smarter Budweiser” or “I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones I’m getting lately”.
And perhaps his most timely text of all is the one recently displayed: “My opinion of message boards? I’m all forum”.
In signing off, one of my favorite apropos quotes comes from the “Dead Dog Comedy Hour” formerly on CBC radio: “Stay calm, Be brave, Wait for the Signs”.
Harley Hay is a Red Deer author and filmmaker. Reach out to Harley with any thoughts or ideas at harleyhay99@gmail.com.