Common cold transforms Superman into Minnie Mouse

There’s only one thing that can knock even the toughest guy to his knees any time, anywhere.

There’s only one thing that can knock even the toughest guy to his knees any time, anywhere.

An audit from Revenue Canada? The Russians winning the Canada Cup? Running out of beer on a camping trip? Certainly these will all summarily rock even the most capital “M” male.

But if you want to truly see Superman become Minnie Mouse, give him the common cold.

When a man gets a cold, it’s not a pretty sight. From the toughest iron worker, who eats hot rivets for breakfast, to your average everyday blatantly heterosexual capital “G” guy, they will all fall and fall big when it comes to the tiny bug.

Ask any poor female spousal unit significant other how much fun it is dealing with the unmitigated pile of mush that materializes when the microscopic cold virus meets Mr. Big.

What was normally a tower of testosterone carrying manly heavy things around the house, building manly stuff like shelves and sheds, and doing embarrassing manly happy dances in front of the big screen TV when the Edmonton Oilers actually manage to win a hockey game — when in the throes of the common cold, Everyman becomes a pathetic little mouse, whimpering under a pile of blankets, calling out every few minutes for some sympathy and attention from their less-than-sympathetic better-half.

You see, it is a little known fact that the common cold virus has a significantly more serious effect on the male gender of the human species.

Being a male, I can personally vouch — and I don’t vouch lightly — for the fact that when a guy gets a bad cold, it is very much an extremely serious, life-threatening event.

Much, much worse that when any female of the species gets a bit “under the weather.”

I believe it has something to do with the large, highly developed superior male hormones that only males proudly possess.

The common cold virus bacterial DNA stemcell molecules seem to attack these exceptional male hormones much more viciously than they attack any regular non-exceptional female hormones found in females of the non-male gender.

The resulting cold creates in the unfortunate, unsuspecting male severe sniffles, an extremely unpleasant tender throat, a very inconvenient cotton-batten-head feeling and a really uncomfortable aching all over.

No wonder it takes all the manly hormones a male has left just to survive a cold.

Fact is, many don’t realize that the common cold actually temporarily destroys all the aforementioned testosterone in a male person, creating a grim medical condition for which there is no cure.

For up to several days (or even a whole week in the case of really bad colds) all the poor brave male’s reluctant care-giver can do is provide some hot chicken soup, a stack of Batman comic books on the bed table, and a cool, soft female hand on his forehead.

It’s quite shocking however, how many wives and girlfriends fail to appreciate the super-human effort their No. 1 guy is calling upon to battle the deadly cold virus. In truth, we should all marvel at the heroic man of the species.

He not only has to be manly 24/7, bravely fixing and building things on his wife’s honey-ho list and taking complete charge of the TV remote, he has to courageously face the insidious testosterone-robbing viral attack of the common cold.

Which unfortunately, is quite common.

In fact, I’m starting to get a bit of that dreaded icky “stuffed up” feeling myself, and I may have to go and lie down for a couple of days. But first I have to phone my wife to see if she’ll come home from work and take care of me.

I hope she remembers the comic books.

Harley Hay is a local filmmaker and freelance writer.

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