“Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.” — Dr. David M. Burns, professor of medicine at the University of California
“Where’s my drywall saw?”
“Why do you need your drywall saw?” my wife asked from the kitchen.
“I need to cut some drywall!”
I continued to rummage through my tool box.
My wife came from the kitchen with a towel in hand and poked her head through the doorway of the new bathroom I was building. She looked about the room then looked at me with suspicion.
“What?” I asked.
“Looks to me like the drywalling is done,” she said. “What are you cutting?”
I sat down on the floor next to my tool box and motioned to the water lines poking through the wall where the new vanity sink would soon be installed. My wife shrugged her shoulders. “I measured wrong,” I said. “If you look, you’ll see that I’m out by an inch.”
“Really?” she said, noting the discrepancy. “And that’s a big deal, why?”
I hopped up and grabbed the pedestal for the sink and set it up against the wall. I motioned toward what I thought was an obvious issue. My wife raised her eyebrows. “Look,” I said. “The valves aren’t balanced on either side of the pedestal – they need to be balanced. Anyone who knows what they’re doing is going to look at that and say ‘Man, this guy is an amateur.’”
“Trust me,” she said. “Mike Holmes will not visiting the house any time soon.”
As if to defend my position, I repeated the mantra of my renovation hero, Mike Holmes, who always says, “Let’s make it right!” My wife threw up her arms in exasperation.
“You’re not trying to make it right. You’re trying to make it perfect.”
Let me say right up front that there is a vast difference between perfectionism and the striving for excellence. One is an illusion founded on fear while the other is attainable through hard work and dedication. Like most people with perfectionistic tendencies, there was a time in my early life when I felt tremendously out of control. Like many of you, I grew up in an environment where the focus was often on what I had failed to accomplish or complete – my perceived shortcomings – rather than my successes. Certainly unintended, this approach fostered within me a belief that I was never quite good enough.
Understandably, to avoid condemnation and receive the praise I so desperately desired, I began looking for ways to please people and perfect whatever I undertook. I analyzed, strategized, and drove myself and others to distraction in an attempt to view every angle of every situation, to note every nuance so nothing could escape my grasp. I believed that to relinquish control would lead to disaster and judgment. Perfectionism is a guilt- and fear-based state of mind evidenced by the striving to master an unrealistic set of expectations. When these expectations go unfulfilled (as they always do) this can start the perfectionist on a downward emotional spiral. As the weight of perceived judgments, the ensuing guilt and feelings of inadequacy build, the perfectionist is sent careening downwards and at ever increasing rate – anxiety increasing as perceived control slips away.
Striving for perfection and living in the fear that generates the need to control and be perfect can distract you and sap the energy you need to achieve what you truly desire, whatever that should be: abundance, health, successful relationships and good self-esteem.
Here are some steps to break this cycle of self-sabotage:
1. Think about aspects of your life that are going well as opposed to what’s wrong or feels like failure. Recognize that perfectionism is simply a means by which to gain approval, control and a sense of self-worth. Learning and growing is a process as is life, and releasing unrealistic expectations will help you see life as a grand adventure with opportunities to learn.
2. Whatever project that you’re working on, finish it to the best of your ability. When your commitment is to excellence, you’ll learn and grow and become more competent. Remember, we learn by the mistakes and the experiences we have and not by trying to be perfect.
3. Do your best with what you have – knowledge, time and experience. Avoid waiting until you think you comprehend every aspect of a project before starting. Successful people become so because they are willing to risk – willing to jump in and tackle a new and challenging project even though they may not have all the information. Often, it is the daring that set the standard and provide the information necessary by the very act of being willing to be imperfect.
Dr. John Eliot, author of Reverse Psychology for Success writes, “Perfectionism is simply putting a limit on your future. When you have an idea of perfect in your mind, you open the door to constantly comparing what you have now with what you want. That type of self-criticism is significantly deterring.”
As much as it tore at me, I left the water lines untouched. We recently moved into a new house and I looked under the pedestal sink in the main floor bathroom. The plumbing had been installed by a professional and — yes — it is out by one inch. Go figure.
Murray Fuhrer is a local self-esteem expert and facilitator. His new book is entitled Extreme Esteem: The Four Factors. For more information on self-esteem, check the Extreme Esteem website at www.extremeesteem.ca.