“You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself.”— Jo Courdert, American author and illustrator
The freedom was intoxicating.
I loved the feel of wind in my face and the rush of adrenalin as I twisted the throttle. The two-stroke engine screamed as I accelerated up to 50 km/h. It was 1972. I had accompanied Father to the local farm implement dealership, and Raymond, the head mechanic, had just finished assembling a new Arctic Cat mini-bike. I immediately fell in love with the little motorcycle and pleaded with Father to let me take it for a ride.
“A motorized bike is a lot different from a pedal bike.”
Father had ridden bikes in the army and — as the story goes — been thrown off one.
“I can show the boy how it works,” offered Raymond who promptly began explaining to me that the mini-bike had a centrifugal clutch so all that I really had to do was twist the throttle.
“If you fall over,” said Father, “don’t come bawling to me.”
That was all I needed to hear. I revved the engine and started off down the driveway.
I returned a few minutes later, windblown with a goofy ear-to-ear grin on my face.
“This bike is amazing!” I told my Father. “I really need it!”
Father just shook his head. “Do you need it or just want it?”
By my Father’s definition, needing meant whatever you sought served a useful purpose. Wanting, on the other hand, was a frivolous desire for something you could do without.
Since beginning my journey of self-esteem and personal empowerment, I have come to look at the words “needing” and “wanting” in a slightly different light. Allow me to clarify.
I met a woman the other day who had spent years in a desperate struggle for the approval of her brothers and sisters. Believing that she had not received the approval of her parents when they were alive, she turned to her siblings for it. As a result, she was constantly at the mercy of these individuals. They knew she wanted their approval so they would throw up all types of conditions in order for her to have her “need” fulfilled. She never got the approval.
Over coffee one afternoon, I explained that her “need” was placing her in a one-down position. That is to say, she was essentially giving away her power along with her ability to experience happiness to a group of people who were really unworthy of the honour. The need, in this case, was really a desire for something unnecessary and ultimately self-esteem damaging.
“But I need the approval of my family,” she declared.
“Is that true?” I asked. “Can you absolutely know that’s true?” (Here, I draw upon the wisdom of Bryon Katie and The Work)
“I don’t understand,” she admitted. “What do you mean, ‘Is it true?’”
“Think about it. Is it true that you need (must have) the approval of your family?”
“I think it is,” she said, and then paused for a moment. “I’ve always thought so.”
“All right,” I said. “Now, when you think of the statement ‘I need the approval of my family,’ does that idea (because that’s all it is: an idea, a thought) bring you peace or stress?”
She looked at me, confused. “Stress, of course, because I need it but don’t have it.”
“If you were to imagine your life,” I continued, “if only for a moment, without that thought, ‘I need the approval of my family,’ what do you see and how would your life be different?”
I suggested she close her eyes to help with the visualization. After a short time, she opened her eyes and shook her head.
“I guess I’d just be a person content with how things are.”
“No longer in need?” I asked. “And in agreement with reality?”
She nodded. “It’s odd to think of it that way – very odd.”
In this situation, need could be described as anything we believe is necessary but lacking.
When our need is for something other than what reality presents us with, we become stuck and powerless. It’s a desire for things to be other than how they are, which we mistake for a need.
Letting go of this apparent need is really about releasing people, situations, thoughts, habits and patterns that no longer serve us (and perhaps never did). It’s about looking inside for the answers rather than always seeking answers and approval from outside of ourselves. It’s about realizing that sometimes what we “need” is not available to us or even desirable upon careful consideration.
Whether it’s a person who doesn’t have the same feelings for us or a toxic/unhealthy relationship, recognizing and releasing our need allows room for new people, things and ideas to enter our life. Need, without self-awareness, can become a devastating emotional trap.
Wayne Dyer, American motivational speaker and best-selling author, declares, “You leave old habits behind by starting out with the thought, ‘I release the need for this in my life. ’”
I’m going to suggest that with healthy self-esteem and self-awareness, that wanting also changes. Free of our need for the approval, acceptance and acknowledgement of others, we can finally begin to choose what it is we truly want and desire for an empowered life.
So the question remains, “Do you need it or just want it?”
In the end, Father relented and we went half and half on the price of the mini-bike. And yes, I can admit it, I didn’t really need it but let me tell you, I sure did enjoy it!
To learn more about Byron Katie and The Work, visit www.thework.com
Murray Fuhrer is a local self-esteem expert and facilitator. His new book is entitled Extreme Esteem: The Four Factors. For more information on self-esteem, check the Extreme Esteem website at www.extremeesteem.ca