Girlfriend may never forgive cheater

A month ago, my girlfriend told me she didn’t trust me enough to be in a relationship. This is because of a mistake I made over a year ago.

Dear Annie: A month ago, my girlfriend told me she didn’t trust me enough to be in a relationship. This is because of a mistake I made over a year ago.

Shortly after we started dating, I cheated on her. I still feel horrible about it.

She kept telling me there was a small chance she would be able to find a way to trust me again and just needed time. So I gave it to her.

Now she says she doesn’t think she can ever trust me again and ended the relationship.

At the moment, we are roommates because she is still in school and I promised to help her. She wants to continue being the best of friends and says she loves me dearly. But I want to be more than friends.

Should I wait to see if she’ll change her mind, or is she gone forever? Is there a way to win back her heart? – Hopeful and Heartbroken

Dear Hopeful: Trust is one of those things that is easily lost and incredibly difficult to regain.

We cannot promise that your girlfriend will ever feel completely secure with you again. You can wait indefinitely, letting her see how trustworthy you are, but there is no guarantee it will make a difference.

We recommend instead that you move out and start fresh with someone else. If she changes her mind about a relationship, she’ll let you know.

Dear Annie: I am going to be a junior in college next year. I’ll be sharing an apartment with three of my closest friends. One, Susan, lives only 20 minutes away, and we make sure to spend time with each other over the summer vacation. I also have invited her to parties and other events that involve my hometown friends.

Recently, another one of my roommates, Jessica, came in from Florida to visit Susan for the weekend. At no point during this time did either of these future roommates contact me to ask if I’d like to hang with them. I only found out about Jessica’s visit through her Facebook photos.

I am very hurt and wonder if they excluded me on purpose. I don’t know what to do. I was really excited about living with them in September, but now I have lingering hard feelings. Should I bring it up or pretend I didn’t notice? – Confused Roomie

Dear Confused: It’s possible the weekend schedule was so rushed that there wasn’t time to include anyone else.

You can tell Jessica you were sorry you missed her when she was in town, but if you like these girls and wish to be roommates with them in the fall, you will need to forgive this slight.

Keep in mind that living together will provide an opportunity for all of you to get to know each other better and solidify your friendships. It will serve no purpose to hang onto hurt feelings.

Dear Annie: My husband displayed the same lack of feeling expressed by “Emotional Roommate.”

Even his doctor advised treatment for depression, but he didn’t care enough to pursue it. He did not acknowledge the severe change in his behavior and ignored everyone while listlessly watching TV or napping. His energy, enthusiasm and humour were gone.

Then I pressured him to have his testosterone level checked at his next physical. It was considered on the low side of “normal,” but eventually, after repeated testing, his doctor prescribed testosterone injections.

It took several months, but my husband’s attitude, energy and interest returned. He is happier than ever and acknowledges that he can now, in retrospect, see how different he had become.

“Roommate” should have her husband’s testosterone level checked, and she shouldn’t settle for a result that’s “within normal range.” Ask specifically for his count, and if he falls on the low side, it may not be normal enough for him. – A Friend

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net.

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