So I got an email from an insane person this week who asked me why Hay’s Daze hasn’t featured “legendary” sociologist Dr. Reginald Smoot for “a really long time”. He went on to say that Dr. Smoot is “the best thing that’s ever happened to the world” and he is “almost as smart as Donald J. Trump”. So of course I emailed him back to see if he was on crack and found out this person was good old Reggie’s first cousin and had been in fact bribed by the mail order “doctor” with a “barley sandwich and three buffalo chicken wings” – a bribe he is having difficulty collecting. “Reg is really cheap,” said the bribe-ee.
As you may know and are hoping to forget, Dr. Reginald Smoot is now Professor Emeritus at DIC (the Didsbury Internet College) and a leading Sociologist, which for the uninitiated is the study of sociology. Hi online CV makes note of his work researching the social science of human interaction as well as achieving several Certificates of Participation in various sports including Wednesday Night Darts and The Innisfail Bowling League Championship.
He has been emailing, texting and phoning me constantly for two months. And now a big nudge from a bribed cousin. So Dr. R. must have something on his strange little mind, and just in case it’s actually something important or even coherent, I guess I better give him a call…
Hay’s Daze: “Hello, is this the infamous Dr. Reginald Smoot?”
Dr. Reginald Smoot: “It is I. And you’re lucky to catch me, I was just on my way to an important community meeting of people who want a pickleball court in the town.”
H.D.: Oh, you play pickleball, do you?
Smoot: No. I don’t like pickles and not sure what a ball has to do with anything, I just don’t have any pressing matters to attend to today.
H.D.: Um, I see that you’ve been trying to contact me. What’s up?
Smoot: My underwear.
H.D.: Pardon?
Smoot: I have recently acquired Smart Underwear. Have you?
H.D.: Um, as Monty Python would say, not as such, no. But I do have a sinking feeling that you are going to attempt to explain what you’re talking about.
Smoot: Of course. That’s what we sociologists do – we talk about important sociological issues to do with society and Smart Underwear is clearly one of those important sociological developments. In fact, I’m wearing mine right now.
H.D.: I was afraid of that. Go on. I think.
Smoot: I’m sure you’ve heard of Smart Phones and Smart Watches – I know I have – well the latest trend in Smartness is underpants. Specifically, underpants made with a fabric that has biometric sensors woven into the material. Stop me if I’m getting too sociologically technical.
H.D.: You’re making this up, aren’t you.
Smoot: I now feel fully protected! Not only do my underpants have very strong construction, they are actually quite comfortable. And my Smart Underwear constantly monitors my heart rate, temperature and sleep quality. It can even alert me if I show early flu symptoms!
H.D.: Does it alert you when you are talking nonsense?
Smoot: And my Smart Underwear is Canadian underwear! A company in Toronto is also developing biometrical textiles for bras, tank tops and socks. Surely you can see that sociologically, being able to essentially wear a computer will no doubt have far reaching ramifications on human interaction concerning health issues.
H.D.: Smoot, the market is already flooded with wearable health monitors that count your steps and your heart beats and how many times you missed your gym appointment, and probably one that dings every time you have an impure thought, so what’s the big deal?
Smoot: But it’s – it’s underwear!!
H.D.: Bye.
Harley Hay is a Red Deer author and filmmaker. Reach out to Harley with any thoughts or ideas at harleyhay99@gmail.com.