As every single newscaster and weather person on TV has said at least once recently: “I can’t believe it’s the middle of June already!” And yet it is, and that means one thing: the older you get, the faster it goes. Also, it means it’s that time again for your monthly smiles from the files here on The Daze. As many (several?) astute readers know, I keep a file of amusing tidbits sent to me by a few mentally unbalanced family members and friends and okay, I admit, I like to mine the interweb for various witty, clever or downright dumb memes, epigrams and other quippage that cause a welcome squirt of happy endorphins in the tired old brain.
And speaking of tired brains, I finally solved the problem of forgetting why I walked into the kitchen. I bought a new pair of memory shoes. (Cue rim shot!) And those brain cells, along with hair cells and skin cells, they all die constantly but those fat cells seem to have eternal life, right?
Here are some questionable words of wisdom from a popular Facebook cartoon senior with pink hair called “Aunty Acid”: Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done. Three out of four voices in my head want to sleep… but the loudest one wants to know if penguins have knees and how long it takes for a giraffe to throw up. Also, nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it’s time to get up. Remember when you could refer to your knees as “right” and “left” instead of “good” and “bad”. Travel advice: If you step on a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack, don’t yell out: “HI JACK!” And by the way, the fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
One of my childhood friends in particular seems to be reflecting on the past these days. Rick sent these gems: We didn’t have an X-Box to play with when we were kids. We just had a box, couldn’t have been happier. Most kids today won’t understand the joy of wrapping a curly telephone cord around your finger when you’re talking on the wall phone. And most of those same kids today will never know the struggles of landing a record player needle perfectly between two songs. Some days I wish I could go back in life. Not to change anything, but to feel a few things twice. Remember when people had diaries and got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don’t.
Be honest, if people heard what you are thinking half of the time you would either be in jail or a mental hospital. And relatedly, you can lead a human to knowledge but you can’t make it think. I had a great mom. Good moms let you lick the MixMaster beaters; great moms turn them off first. When you carry all the groceries on one arm, are your keys to the house always in the wrong pocket? Here’s an official looking sign on a post at a small pond: Frog parking only. All others will be toad.
Definition of an optimist: Someone who falls off the Empire State Building and after 50 floors says, “So far so good!” Definition of a cultured intellectual: Someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
If you’re still reading you’ll know that by the time someone says “To make a long story short”, it’s already too late. And finally, I’ll close with a personal observation: people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Harley Hay is a Red Deer author and filmmaker. Reach out to Harley with any thoughts or ideas at harleyhay99@gmail.com.
