Four eyes. Window face. Geek handles. Cheaters. Shutter shades. Specs. Where would we be without glasses? Eyeglasses, I mean, and more to the point, where would those of us who need the damn things be without them?
I squint around at my friends and family and sometimes the general public, and it really is amazing how many people depend on a couple of hunks of ground glass perched on their faces. And really, I suppose instead of thinking, ‘Man, all those other glass-less people are lucky!”, I should be very grateful indeed that there’s a way to cut through the frustrating fog of a blurry world even if it slides down your nose and digs into the top of your ears.
I looked it up and the first attempt at vision correction occurred in the 13th century and they featured roughly ground glass in a sort-of frame made from wood, leather or animal horns. (Very trendy, I’ll bet!) They were held in front of the face and used mostly by monks who mostly sat beside a flickering candle in dim, dank monasteries scribbling a quill with their free hand.
And based on paintings, diaries and video footage (kidding) it wasn’t until the 17th century that somebody (probably a monk) created what the optical world calls “temples” (not to be confused with the temples where monks live in) also called “arms” (not to be confused with military weapons) that hold the glass to your face with prongs along your “temples” (yes, those temples) so that they can hook around your ears and make the crotch of them (your ears) sore.
And soon after that, somebody realized that for outrageous sums they could sell plastic “frames” made for a handful of pennies to desperate vision-challenged people. A trend that continues to this very day.
I can ‘clearly’ remember getting glasses in elementary school. I looked at the blackboard and thought, “Wow!” Reading is a lot easier when everything isn’t fuzzy!” Also, “Wow! Linda Tomalty is even cuter than I thought!” But as evidenced by my Grade 3 class picture I happened upon the other day, my dorky, cat-eye geek handles were beyond embarrassing and clear evidence as to why Linda Tomalty didn’t exactly give me the time of day. I didn’t realize at the time that I would be stuck with spectacles for the rest of my foggy days.
But every once in a blue moon, we four-eyes latch onto a pair of spectacles that not only de-fog a hazy world for us but manage to be almost comfortable, and actually meet our requirements that they “suit us” and “not totally suck.” Then, of course, we hang onto them until we are such fashion dorks that we have to pony up a bundle to get even remotely trendy again.
But some people are truly known for their glasses and vice versa. John Lennon and his iconic wire rim hippie glasses (I had a pair, of course), the thick black frames of Buddy Holly, Woody Allen, fashionista Karl Lagerfeld, and singer Nana Mouskouri (remember her?) The clean, Apple-like rimless specs of Steve Jobs, the rock and roll Ray-Ban shades of Jake and Elwood, the Blues Brothers. The killer Pince-Nez on a little chain worn by Agatha Christie’s perfect detective, Hercule Poirot.
And then we have the likes of Elton John and Lady Gaga, who go out of their way to make a spectacle of their spectacles.
Yes, it’s all about arm wrestling with eyeglasses for many of us – and then like me the other day, you get cataract surgery, and suddenly you’re stumbling around, bumping into things with and without glasses until Christmas. But that’s another story.
Harley Hay is a Red Deer author and filmmaker. You can send him column ideas to harleyhay1@hotmail.com