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Hay's Daze: Time for more punishment

Puns never get old
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Harley Hay column

That’s the thing about puns, unlike humans, they never get old, and sometimes getting old is pun-ishment enough.  Yes, it’s that time again for our monthly grins, groans and occasional guffaws.  Time to dig into my Frivolous Fun File of tidbits, trivia, and total nonsense gathered from my weird and whacky friends and family who for some reason keep on sending me silly stuff.  And thank goodness they do, because who doesn’t need a good groaner once in a while?  I know I do.
For example:  It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but it’s a 35 minute walk back from the pub to my house.  The difference is staggering.  As I was getting into bed she said, “Go away, you’re drunk.”  I said, “I’m perfectly fine.  What makes you think I’m drunk?”  She said, “You live next door.”
This lady posted on Facebook:  Beware of a new Amazon scam.  My husband ordered me some expensive jewelry, but a bunch of motorcycle parts came instead.  Thankfully, they fit his bike!  A guy posted:  I’ve found marriage to be very educational.  For example, I had no idea there was a wrong way to put milk in the fridge.  And speaking of relationships, always make sure one of you in the relationship has good credit.  It’s called “SIGNIFICANT other” for a reason.  Sign/if/I/can’t.
My mother in law came for dinner and said, “Why does the dog keep looking at me like that?  I said, “Oh, that’s just because you’re using his plate.”  My Rotten Kids keep laughing about me losing my memory.  They won’t be laughing at Christmas when there are no eggs under the tree!  So anyway, last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.  We haven’t met yet.  And as you can tell, I may not have lost all my marbles yet, but there’s a small hole in the bag somewhere, that’s for sure.
But I promised puns.  OK, then – over 100 years ago two brothers announced they could fly.  Turns out they were Wright.  Did you know martial arts master Bruce Lee had a vegan brother?  His name was Broco.  Broco Lee.  Have you ever tried blind folded archery?  You don’t know what you’re missing.  A truck loaded with Vicks vapor rub overturned on the highway.  Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.  I was at Costco the other day when a huge pack of toilet paper fell on me.  I’m okay, but I suffered some soft tissue damage.  This guy built an entire motorcycle out of wood.  Wooden frame, wooden engine, wooden wheels.  But did he ride it?  Nope, wooden start.
Grandchild:  “Grandpa, why is it so important to be quiet at church?”  Grandpa:  “Well that’s because people are sleeping.”  Actual notice on a Methodist Church sign:  ‘Adultery is a sin.  You can’t have your Kate and Edith too’.  They say every piece of chocolate eaten shortens your life by two minutes.  I’ve done the math.  It seems I died in 1537.  
Group leader:  “Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.  I’m seeing a lot of new faces here this week and I have to say, I’m very disappointed.  What Beatle song would a big bull in a field sing:  “Something in the way she moos, attracts me like no udder lover…”  Trendy couple in a restaurant look up at the waitress:  “We don’t eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten.  What would you recommend?”  Waitress:  “A taxi.”  A little girl looks up at her mother, wondering:  “Mum, did you want a son or a daughter?”  Mum sighs and says, “I wanted a back rub.”  
And finally some advice:  Take up coin collecting; the change will do you good.  And remember that regular naps prevent old age.  Especially if you take them while driving.
Harley Hay is a Red Deer author and filmmaker. Reach out to Harley with any thoughts or ideas at harleyhay99@gmail.com.