Dear Annie: I caught my husband engaging in Internet porn activities. We had a huge fight, and he kicked me out of the house.
Our 14-year-old daughter, “Lori,” still lives with him because he gives her all the freedom she wants. Her sisters live with me, but Lori rarely comes to visit.
My daughter is a good kid, but a 14-year-old still needs a lot of guidance and support.
My husband says he is being supportive by allowing Lori to make her own decisions. Is this rational and safe? Can a parent who engages in immoral behaviour such as porn, infidelity and lying be a good father? I want to take Lori away from him, but I am reluctant to force her. She says I have too many rules and restrictions. I don’t want to make things worse.
Can you give me any suggestions? — Lost in Hawaii
Dear Lost: Your husband is not being “supportive.” He is being lazy.
A 14-year-old should not be making all her own decisions, and it requires a lot of parental oversight to make sure she is protected while she matures. Lori needs rules.
Kids feel more secure when they understand what the boundaries are. A parent who allows a young teen to do whatever she likes is telling her he doesn’t care about her welfare.
You don’t have to force Lori to move in with you, but you should definitely talk to a lawyer about regular visitation so she spends at least half of her time in your company. She needs at least one responsible parent in her life.
Dear Annie: My 94-year-old father recently died. Because I was born fewer than nine months after they married in 1935, he never believed I was his child. When I was five years old, they divorced. I saw him from time to time throughout the years.
Two years ago, Dad called and asked me to take a DNA test. It turned out positive, proving I was indeed his child.
His response? He said, “I’ve been without kids this far and don’t intend to start now.” He walked out, and I never saw him again.
My wife and I went to the church the day of his funeral and were told by my stepmother to leave because I would disrupt the service.
We left. I have three sons and three grandsons, each carrying his last name. My stepmother buried all of us that day.
I don’t know how to cope. Please help me. — Buried Alive in N.H.
Dear N.H.: How sad that your father’s misplaced bitterness deprived both of you of a loving relationship. There’s no point blaming your stepmother.
While she could have been kinder, she no doubt felt she was honouring her husband’s wishes. You have spent a lifetime being rejected by your father, only to have him die before you had time to reconcile.
Please get some counselling. It will help you come to terms with your grief and accept that there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome.
Our condolences.
Dear Annie: This is to “Ready to Quit,” whose families tell her she’s a terrible person: Get away from those toxic people.
I lived through the same nightmare, spearheaded by a jealous mother who considered me her competition. She broke up my marriage because she wanted my husband.
My relatives believed every word she told them. I also considered suicide, but realized that would only give them the satisfaction of saying, “See, we knew she was crazy.”
I was filled with self-loathing until I returned to school, got a degree and walked away from my tormentors. I discovered I’m a good person, and now I have many good friends who love me. I only regret that it took so long to escape their judgmental comments.
You hang in there and know there is nothing wrong with you. By the way, Mom chased my ex for 35 years, and then he found someone else. She did all that for nothing. -- Better Without Them
Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045.