I find few things so disheartening as to see an older couple in a restaurant eating their meal in silence, without a word or gesture to each other. I wonder: can love survive the years?
Yes, but only with effort and devotion.
There is a line from one of Shakespeare’s sonnets that many couples include in their wedding ceremonies: “Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.” We are not the same persons we were when we took vows to have and to hold one another till death.
When the young Abraham Lincoln took Mary Todd to be his wife, he could not predict her fragile hold on sanity, nor could he reckon on the depths of depression to which he would be prone.
Yet he inscribed Mary’s wedding band, “Love is eternal.”
Each of us alters as we age, but while change is inevitable, it does not entail growing apart in the final seasons of our lives. Rather, it means falling in love again with the same person for new reasons. Couples are not unlike comrades in war, defending each other and fighting each other’s battles, sharing victories and defeats alike. They are bound by their shared history.
Strictly speaking, marriage is a contract, but few persons embrace wedlock as a purely business proposition.
Unlike commercial transactions, love rests on feelings. Moreover, lovers negotiate with each other as equals, friends, and supporters, not as competitors. They trust each other, seeking mutual opportunities rather than deals. Whereas success in business consists in getting what you want, love in marriage is about getting what you need.
Making love last rests on respecting differences, accepting apologies, letting go of the past, treading softly on your partner’s wounds, and always leaving the door open after disputes.
Outsiders instantly recognize good marriages by what intimate couples do.
They spend time together, preferring each other’s company. Successful spouses share their interests, their hopes, their vulnerabilities, and their dreams. They complement each other, helping both partners to grow as persons. They touch each other, and not just in the bedroom.
Psychologists agree that, among human passions, anger and anxiety are more intense than love and joy. They destroy relationships. Anyone entering a loving relationship expecting to change the beloved is doomed to disappointment. In love, what we see is what we get, and it is more than enough for a lifetime. In any case it’s best to concentrate on giving rather than getting.
David Yount is the author of 14 books, including Celebrating the Rest of Your Life (Augsburg). He answers readers at P.O. Box 2758, Woodbridge, VA 22195 and dyount31@verizon.net.