Question: My wife had an affair a few years ago. It lasted about two years. I have since forgiven her.
This was my wife’s first affair, but her best friend, now single, has had many affairs.
Her friend had affairs with at least two married men I know, and had tried to seduce one of my friends who is happily married, but he turned her down.
I married my wife for her good morals and values, but she is very easily influenced. I’m convinced that this girlfriend was responsible for influencing my wife to feel an affair was OK. I don’t trust my wife with this girlfriend, and have asked her to distance herself from her.
I don’t feel safe in my marriage if my wife keeps this friend. I’m considering a divorce. Am I right?
Answer: Don’t blame her friend - blame your marriage. Here’s how I see it — if your marriage was strong, your wife’s friend would just reinforce how disgusting cheating can be and how much pain it causes.
But being in a weak and untrusting marriage means thinking your wife will cheat because her friend cheats. Cheating isn’t glamorous — it’s dirty, depressing and draining.
If your wife is this easily influenced, it’s not a good marriage. Controlling your wife’s friendship will only make you look controlling and give her one more reason to leave you. Instead of focusing on her cheating friend, focus on how you can trust your wife again.
Question: I have been with my wife for more than eight years, and married for two. Last month, I noticed she was in contact with my friend/co-worker. She was texting a lot and angling her cell phone away so I couldn’t see. I calmly told her I was feeling a little jealous about it.
She blew up, saying I didn’t trust her. Well, three days later, she finds out she is pregnant. I was ecstatic! We had been trying to conceive for months. When she broke the news to me, she ended it with: “I think I want to separate for a little while. I’m unhappy.”
Then she moved out and stayed with my friend/co-worker. She says there is nothing going on and he says there is nothing going on. I don’t want to lose her.
My friend has cut off all contact with me, other than when I say hi to him at work.
Answer: Sounds like hell. What I can tell you is that spouses don’t just get up and leave. It’s a process.
For whatever reason, she didn’t let you in on it. Forget going to counseling with her, and start on your own. Get a therapist involved, get a divorce attorney involved, and lean on your friends. You need to make the right moves. You also need to understand your rights as a father (assuming you’re the dad). Use these people to coach you on how to approach her.
As far as you know, your wife might be pregnant with someone else’s kid. Oh, and as for that guy at work — I wouldn’t say anything to him. He’s no friend.
Question: I recently found a girl I really like, but I’m new to the dating/relationship game (I’ve never been in a relationship).
I have no idea if she likes me at all. A few days ago I took her out to dinner, and we have even planned to go to a concert later this month. I want to make sure she actually likes me before I pursue this any further. What is the best and/or easiest way to accomplish this?
Answer: You don’t need my help. You’re a stud. You already took her out to dinner (nice move). Then you asked her to the concert and she accepted (nice move again).
So, she either likes you or likes food and music. Go to the concert and see how it feels. Tell her that you like hanging out with her and see what she says. If she kisses you, assume she’s into you. If she’s not clear, ask her if she wants to go out again.
In other words, keep doing what you’re doing and don’t be afraid to talk to her. If she’s not into you, better to find out now so you can take out one of the countless other women who would love to share dinner and a concert with you.
Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.