Sometimes a person just says something without thinking. It comes off the top of your head, unexpectedly blurting out of your mouth, bursting out into the air like a budgie bolting when you open the door of the birdcage.
“And this must be your mother.” (Said to someone who is introducing his wife). “And this must be your daughter.” (Also said to someone who is introducing his wife.) Oops.
And sometimes the person doesn’t even fathom that they’ve said a stupid thing. The worst kind of conversation faux pas.
“My god you have big feet.” “Are you losing your hair?” “How much did that jacket cost you?” “Are you still divorced?” All said with apparent oblivious sincerity, which makes it even stupider.
Once, I bumped into a lady I didn’t know well but who stopped to make small talk. “Hello,” she says. “How is everything. How are the kids?” and then she peers closely at me, inching her face about a nose hair away, eye to eye and says in a surprisingly serious tone. “My goodness, your glasses are extremely dirty!” And off she went.
I’ve had a mild obsession about cleaning my glasses ever since.
But who among us hasn’t tasted that unmistakable, pungent flavour of sticking one’s own foot in one’s own mouth? I know I have.
It was intermission at a dance recital. I approached an acquaintance whose daughter was also performing. I knew that he would be the last person on Earth to attempt to dance any time any where, including his own wedding, and everyone in the group, including his wife knew it, too.
His little six-year-old daughter was a lovely dancer, however, but when I went to compliment her by teasing him, instead of saying, “Wow it’s a good thing she’s not unco-ordinated like her father,” what came out was: “Wow your daughter dances just like her father!”
To which I get sudden dead silence and a cold stare from the entire group, especially the little dancer’s proud mom and dad. I’ve noticed they’ve avoided me ever since.
And it’s not just the taste of shoe leather that is associated with saying stupid things.
True story: our first trip with the kids to my favourite place on Earth, Disneyland, I was feeling so giddy the night we got there that when I walked over to the McDonald’s next door to the little hotel we had just checked into to get supper, I somehow got the ridiculous notion that since we were far far away in a foreign country and everybody around me would be complete strangers, that it would be fun to speak in an accent.
On the way, I tried German to myself, which sounded more like Japanese for some reason, and I tried Swedish but all that came out were nonsense words exactly like the Swedish Chef on the Muppets. I knew I couldn’t do British because I’d slip into any one of the Monty Python characters and I didn’t think I could pull off my favourite (East Indian), so I was seriously considering a classic French accent as I entered the front doors.
By the time I was at the front of the line, I’d been practising my accent in my head and it didn’t seem to be going too well so I made a split-second decision, a decision that was so obviously the worst possible one that it surprised even me when I opened my mouth and attempted a Southern United States Texas drawl.
“You betcha darlin’, ahhll be havin’ yer Big Mac with one of them soda pops, and them real good fries, iff’n ya don’t mind, and if y’all have them Nuggets. . . .”
By this time I knew I was in trouble. First of all, I really don’t do any accents very well, especially a southern you-all drawl, and second, there was a real good chance that one or more real U.S. Southerners were standing very near and would no doubt think I was trying to make fun of them.
I managed to get through the order by mumbling and pointing and I escaped unscathed and secretly embarrassed, although it has become high on the list the family keeps of Stupid Things that Dad has Said, a list that comes up occasionally when someone needs either a good laugh or to feel better about themselves for not being quite as stupid as Dad.
But there are some stupid things that are simply too stupid to say.
Like, if you’re just trying to make conversation, never, ever say “So when’s the baby due?” to a female unless you’re one million per cent sure she’s absolutely with child. In fact, never refer even remotely to possible pregnancy unless you have unconditionally confirmed that she is in fact in the early stages of labour, perhaps crowning at that very moment.
If your wife asks you, “Do I look fat in these pants?” never say “Not really.” There is only one answer to that question and we guys better know what that answer is, and it’d better be convincing.
And, finally, my best advice? Never ever joke about anything within 10 km of any airport. These days, that’s just plain stupid.
Harley Hay is a local freelance writer, author, filmmaker and musician. His column appears on Saturdays.