Say what? Bottomless pants, Viagra football?

Even though we are collectively caught in the tinseled vortex of the holiday season whether we like it or not, I’ve been momentarily thinking of things other than the unfolding festive yuletide.

Even though we are collectively caught in the tinseled vortex of the holiday season whether we like it or not, I’ve been momentarily thinking of things other than the unfolding festive yuletide.

So since that moment happens to be now, I thought I’d take a diversion from Christmas and other seasonal celebrations, and turn our attention this week to the aforementioned other things. Other things from recent newspapers and other media that caught my eye and what’s left of my brain, and made me say “SAY WHAT?” almost out loud, and just might have got you saying “Say What?” too.

Say what? item one: Anonymous Border Guards. It seems that recently it’s been more impossible than usual to cross the Canuck-Yankee border at certain points along the 49th parallel.

For example, in Ontario where they grow the maple leafs that are used on Canadian flags, it became extremely difficult to visit our You-All neighbors to the south by car on account of many Canadian border guards were in a snit.

A snit big enough to close a couple of big bridge border crossings. If you shake your head and ask “why?” you wouldn’t be alone.

National border guards were snitting because their bosses told them they had to wear name tags on their uniforms.

So, according to the Canadian Broadcorping Casteration, some protested by “exercising their right to refuse work they consider dangerous.” Dangerous nametags.

Say what?

OMG, how could those mean and evil bosses insist that Canadian border guards identify themselves like virtually every other guard in every other country?

How dare they try to bring all those RCMP wanna-bees — with their several days of training that make them almost as good as mall security guards — bring them down to our level and make them seem to be a nearly-normal name-tag wearing humans?

Their beef has something to do with keeping anonymous so travellers can’t come after the border booth jockeys for treating them like dirt after a four-hour wait in a car on a highway parking lot.

Or maybe it’s because Theodore Grumpypants or Delores Snobbypuss are just too long to fit on name tags.

Say what? item two: Elephant dung coffee. As reported this week by the Advocate, the latest in the potent market of horrendously expensive specialty dung coffee comes from beans proudly plucked from pachyderm paddies.

Say what?

Yes, in Thailand a couple dozen elephants are eating coffee beans, processing them through a “gut reaction” and passing them back out (out the back) in potty piles the next day to awaiting baristas, where the beans are plucked out of the pile and made into coffee that is being called “unique” without the slightest trace of irony.

Coffee bean potty processing and picking is, amazingly, not unique, however.

I have previously rambled on about other exotic coffee extracted from the pricey excrement of a weasel-like creature called the civet.

Too bad for the civet — those little poopers can’t possibly compete with the prolific potty production of the mighty elephant — especially at $50 per cup.

No mention in the report as to whether the bowel brew is also imbued with a “unique” and powerful aroma.

Say what? item three: Yoko Ono bottomless pants. Yes, just a few weeks ago Yoko Ono, the performance artist most often blamed for breaking up The Beatles by making John Lennon somehow fall in love with her, launched her new line of men’s clothing. Featured among the Man Lightbulb Bra, and the Hand Trousers (pants with the silhouette of a large hand on the crotch), was a fashion statement, literally, at the bottom. Cutout Trousers.

I’m not kidding. These are pants with the back removed, leaving a rather large circle of bare derriere.

Say What?

For only $250, this cheeky fashion statement is already the butt of many jokes (sorry). No wonder The Beatles broke up.

Say what? item four: Viagra football. Newspapers and broadcast media really got a hold of this one. Reports claim that some professional football players are using Viagra as a performance-enhancing drug.

A football performance-enhancing drug. Up until now, the famous blue pill has been known as an effective treatment for men who, shall we say, have trouble staying alert in the bedroom, so to speak.

Since the drug increases oxygen flow to the muscles, some football players have supposedly taken the enhancement as a means of getting an “edge” on the field.

Say what?

This begs — practically pleads — the question: how on earth would the physical enhancement guaranteed by the pill actually improve a football player’s ability to run, let alone play a better game of football?

They’d have about as much mobility as a tripod.

And how will the big guy playing centre, the ball snapper, feel about a Viagra-enhanced quarterback taking his, um, position up close and personal behind him for a hike in a short yardage dog pile situation?

And with those skin tight spandex pants football players wear? Let’s not even go there.

Imagine this Viagra enhancement spreading to other sports. Hockey, swimming, fencing. Baseball. (Insert your own Viagra jokes here.)

And those relentless, incessant commercials on TV claim the augmentation affects of Viagra and other similar male enhancement drugs can last up to four hours. Which — bonus! — in the wide world of sports would stand up long enough to make it to overtime.

I guess the only thing left to say is … SAY WHAT?

Harley Hay is a local freelance writer, award-winning author, filmmaker and musician. His column appears on Saturdays in the Advocate. His books can be found at Chapters, Coles and Sunworks in Red Deer.

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