There is a vast untapped potential for those who live in the country, just waiting to be recognized, ripe for the picking, a sure winner, satisfaction guaranteed.
After years of musing, I am finally in a position to share it with you, for free!! You too can become a rural rascal! It’s better than winning the Lotto, since you will always come out a winner. Failing to heed this advice will find your list of “things to do” getting longer as the days grow shorter.
Weekends are precious. This is when you get all those extra jobs done around the acreage or farm that your urban friends take for granted. Jobs like cutting trees, going to the dump, fencing, fixing and farming.
Weekend guests usually arrive on a Saturday for an overnight stay, or pop out unannounced as part of a Sunday drive/pit-stop.
There is an expectation, on their part, that you will drop what you’re doing and chat away the day. They have this vision that you lay back on the weekends in your lawn-chair with a frosty mug of Kool-Aid, a spear of hay in your mouth, and watch the grass grow, the deer roam and the birds sing, while the clouds go by.
As an rural land owner, you will need to develop some crafty ways to maximize the utility of weekend guests. You too can become a roguish rural rascal by following a few time honoured principles that affect human behaviour. There are two schools of thought on how to get the upper hand in acreagemanship.
The first school of thought advocates using greed. The second school of thought uses deception.
The best school of thought contains the elements of both greed and deception. An explanation is in order. Lets explore the possibilities and you can decide which method is best for you. Country wisdom and treachery can overcome urban moxie. Let’s look at a ‘for instance’. It’s amazing how few trees are actually required to make a big pile of wood. Here is an idea for you to make a windfall from deadfall. For instance, let’s say you have a stand of trees, within which, let us say 10, have fallen victim to root rot and the wind. You also need firewood for next winter. A little planning is in order. A good plan includes the elements of both greed and deception.
Let’s assume your urban friends arrive on a Saturday morning. Over a cup of coffee, and during a lull in the conversation, you might casually look out the window and say something like, “You know, those blown down trees over there (with a wave of the hand out the window) are leaning against the live ones and are gonna’ kill ’em by rubbing against them . . . a guy should cut them down, them dead trees are real dry and the only thing they’re good for is firewood”. This shows you’re environmentally conscious and a true conservationist.
Let this thought percolate for a while. And then maybe a half-cup later say something like, “I reckon that what a guy should do, (burp), . . . is put an add in the paper for free firewood to anyone who wants to cut up that windfall and haul it away”. Let this thought percolate for another half-cup.
As sure as summer follows spring and winter follows fall, the guest will presently offer to come out next weekend and do the job, being the true friend he is. Greed and avarice make the world go ’round. When he arrives the following weekend, with rented trailer, rented chainsaw, rented axe and Eddy Bauer wool lumber-jacket, you just point him to the grove, wishing him luck and say you will come down later to check up on him.
This will make him think you’re genuinely concerned about his safety. Also remind him to avoid pinching his chainsaw by making sure the log is supported so the wood blocks fall off cleanly. Being the lumberjack he is, he won’t need to be reminded to first clear any branches away from his working area that might threaten his safety, and only lumber-hacks don’t preplan an escape route when felling trees.
At this point, you will want to thank him for taking this job off your mind, but casually remind him to cut all the trees up into 16 inch length pieces first and, after you get back from the dump and do some other chores, you will come down and help him load his trailer.
I would say give him about one hour or so, and then go down and offer a few words of encouragement to keep him going. Something like, “once you get the rest of them trees bucked up, why don’t you come up for lunch?”, appealing to his spirits in a frontier comradely way. With the prospect of lunch looming, he will work even harder.
A few hours later, when he comes up for lunch, all sweaty, with his hearty appetite and full of the feeling of accomplishment, you can say something like, “Well, you sure made quick work of that deadfall ... those live trees would thank you if they could talk”. Before he comes into the house, remind him to take off the expensive wool jacket that is full of wood chips and remove his boots full of sawdust, casually offering the suggestion, “I usually wear a light windbreaker when I use my chainsaw and put my pantlegs over my boots - kinda’ keeps the sawdust from sticking”.
After lunch, offer to drive him back down to the grove in your pickup and spend a few minutes helping to load his trailer. After about 15 minutes of relatively easy work, the trailer is full and what’s more, there are still five trees lying in fireplace-sized pieces. At this point, say something like, “By Golly, I think there are enough pieces left to feed my own fireplace”. Since you helped him load his trailer, he will oblige by helping to load your pickup. It’s amazing how few trees are actually required to make a big pile of wood. It’s even more amazing how a good plan can save you hours of labour.
By now he is pleasantly tired and, feeling his muscles twitching a bit, will want to get on home without much more visiting, and assures you no dents in your beer and liquor inventory. He may even show his gratitude by giving you a gift bottle. What more can you do, but wish him on his way, and tell him he can come out the same time next year for free firewood.
Years ago, knaves were known for their trickery and deceitful ways. Rural rascality has its recompense. A little knavery knowledge can make your weekends more pleasant and productive. You end up with another bottle of your favourite drink, and a winter’s supply of firewood.
Paul Hemingson is a freelance writer who lives near Spruce View. His column appears every other week in LIFE. Contact him at paulhemi@telusplanet.net or www.paulhemingson.ca