“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.” — Robert Fritz, American composer, filmmaker and organizational consultant
In Grade 10, my friend Norman and I joined the yearbook committee.
We didn’t go around taking pictures or interviewing people at sporting events — nope, we took on the responsibility of selling advertising in the school annual. We sold every square inch of those three back pages. When the entire project was put to bed, we all celebrated with dinner at a restaurant in one of the larger, neighbouring towns.
I don’t know about the rest of the committee, but Norman and I felt like kings as we were seated at the restaurant.
Classical music played from speakers overhead and the servers wore white shirts and black skirts. The menu was vast and bound into a plastic folder. Leafing through it, I was amazed by the variety of choices.
Norman nudged me. “I’m going to order the steak sandwich.”
I had honestly never heard the term “steak sandwich” before. Steak yes, but steak sandwich? Never. I envisioned a generous slab of meat tucked between two pieces of bread. It came with golden french fries and creamy coleslaw. I decided to order a steak sandwich, too.
When the server returned to our table, she began to take our orders.
“I’ll have the steak sandwich,” I announced.
“And how would you like it?” she inquired.
I had no idea what she was asking me. She stood there smiling, pen and pad in hand.
After a few moments I said, “I would like it cooked.”
Everyone laughed.
The server smiled. “Fine,” she said, “and how would you like it cooked?”
That seemed like an odd question, too. Mother had always cooked our steaks in a frying pan so after some consideration, I said, “Please cook it in a frying pan.”
More gales of laughter. I laughed, too, though I had no idea what was so funny.
The server rolled her eyes. “Rare, medium or well done?” The term “rare” made no sense to me. And medium? Medium what? The term “well done” seemed to imply that a greater level of care and consideration would be offered in preparing my steak sandwich.
“If you’re going to do something,” I declared, “it’s best to do it well.”
The table erupted with laughter. The server took the rest of the orders and left. I was confused when she returned and set a plate before me.
The steak sandwich was just a small piece of overcooked meat with a humble helping of fries, a tiny dish of coleslaw and a piece of toast.
Fortunately, this was one instance when a lack of understanding made me look funny rather than foolish.
I was reminded of the steak sandwich story recently by a comment a friend made. She said she was tired of existing on a diet of fear, guilt and conditional love.
The statement brought to mind the image of a plate with three food servings labelled fear, guilt and conditional love.
It occurred to me that if you’ve always consumed such, then, without awareness, you would probably continue to do so — oblivious of the effects on your mind, body and spirit.
I can easily see someone brought up on a diet of fear, guilt and conditional love then having something totally different placed before her — let’s say a beautiful plate of love, joy, and unconditional love — and pushing away, suspicious and reluctant even to sample the new fare.
My friend grew up in an abusive family environment and thus dined on bitter emotions for nearly 40 years.
She has learned to make better choices but still admits to occasionally devouring a big bowl of self-pity for dessert.
I asked her how she was able to change her emotional diet when so many people seem unable to so. She said it began with awareness — always the first step. It then required the slow acquisition of a new set of reference points. “I had to learn that there were more and better choices to be made. I did that by reading, reflecting, watching, talking – stepping out of my comfort zone and taking self-responsibility for my life.”
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Swiss-born psychiatrist and the author of the groundbreaking book On Death and Dying once wrote, “If we could raise one generation with unconditional love, there would be no Hitlers. We need to teach the next generation of children from day one that they are responsible for their lives. Mankind’s greatest gift, also its greatest curse, is that we have free choice. We can make our choices built from love or from fear.”
There are better choices on the emotional menu than what many of us have made in the past. What are you feeding your mind, body and spirit?
Murray Fuhrer is a local self-esteem expert and facilitator. His new book is entitled Extreme Esteem: The Four Factors. For more information on self-esteem, check the Extreme Esteem website at www.extremeesteem.ca.