“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world.
The unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.”
– George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright
“Did they bust ’er up good?” he asked, holding open the screen door.
I looked up from inspecting the damaged driver’s door of my pickup truck to see my neighbour from the adjoining townhouse. He had wandered outside, dressed in a stained T-shirt, pyjama bottoms, Crocs and carrying an oversized plastic travel mug.
“Buggered up mine real good,” he said. “Busted the ignition switch right off.”
To save money while our new house was being built, our family rented a townhouse in a somewhat undesirable part of town. My wife’s car and now my truck had fallen victim to vandals.
“Broke my door handle,” I replied. “And tossed my papers all over the parking lot.”
“I thought I heard something last night,” he said, “but I don’t check no more. What with all the yellin’ and fightin’ goin’ on ’round here, it’s not safe. You get used to it after a while.”
It amazes me how unconcerned and even complacent we can become with what’s happening around us. Most of us claim we don’t like change, but change is happening, and we’re continually accommodating it.
I may not have adapted to the noise and crime in that neighbourhood — we moved into our new house shortly afterward — but upon reflection, I have gotten used to several other uncomfortable circumstances: the ever-increasing cost of groceries and utilities, rising taxes, higher gas prices at the pump, endless new banking fees, and let’s not forget climate change.
I recently read an article by Dr Robert Marshall, American psychologist, psychoanalyst and author on reference points. Marshall explained that reference points – what we consider normal and acceptable — are fluid and realign with changes in our environment. Anyone living in a war-torn country will have a radically different view of what is normal and acceptable.
On the topic of self-esteem, we can get so accustomed to treating ourselves with disregard and bombarding ourselves with poor self-talk that it seems normal, natural and appropriate. When we suffer from poor self-esteem, we begin to tolerate what should never have been tolerated.
To build our self-esteem and then to maintain it requires vigilance — an honest assessment of our existing reference points in several key areas: relationships, finances, work and family. It requires that we ask the question, “What have I become accustomed to experiencing?” I’m speaking of any situation or circumstance you’re tolerating that is damaging your self-esteem or lessening your sense of personal value. Should you find this task challenging, there are many great books and skilled therapists to help you find your way back to balance. You could also ask a willing friend for some honest “no holds barred” feedback.
“You drown not by falling in the river,” wrote Brazilian poet and writer, Paulo Coelho, “but by staying submerged in it.”
Maybe it’s time to break the surface, climb back on the shore and catch your breath. Adaptable as we are, it’s unwise to stay submerged for too long in the unacceptable.
Occasionally, I’ve thought about people in the old townhouse neighbourhood. Had I stayed, I too may have grown accustomed to the yelling, the fights, and the flashing red and blue lights, but I am much more accustomed to the quiet of my neighbourhood, my home and home office.
Take some time to think about your life and how accustomed you’ve become to its predictable outcomes. Question your reference points and always keep in mind: the ability to adapt to our environment may have made us the most successful species on Earth, but it can also trap us in a life that is less than we deserve.
Murray Fuhrer is a self-esteem expert.