“Life is not compassionate towards victims. The trick is not to see yourself as one.”
– C. JoyBell C., best-selling American author and poet
“Who is playing the victim today?” I asked and scanned the room.
Workshop participants looked up, eyes wide and jaws dropped open.
It was day two of my weekend self-esteem workshop and time to dive into an uncomfortable topic: the victim mentality – a role many had accepted and sadly, many had also mastered.
A victim mentality is one in which we blame others for what happens or has happened in our lives. It is also when we think the future holds only terrible things for us or that we are patently unlucky. We assume the victim role, believing that circumstances are beyond our control.
Frequently, the victim role is unwittingly reinforced by those around us. Sometimes people enable us to play the victim by failing to hold us accountable or by taking on challenges and responsibilities we need to learn and grow. Sometimes, we unconsciously self-sabotage our best efforts to confirm our misfortune. Other times, we allow ourselves to revel in the pity or allowances we receive from others. Awareness can help us recognize these tendencies.
Imagine the child who is told that nothing he does is ever good enough. Perhaps he is also told that bad luck runs in the family, none of his kin has ever caught a break, or that life is unfair, and he’d better get used to it. He watches as his father and mother struggle with relationships, money and work. His parents have few close friends and are critical of those whom they deem as gifted with good fortune. Over time, the child begins to take on this persona.
You need to write a new story. The old story isn’t serving you in any positive way. Instead of the main character being the poor, beaten-down and burdened victim, write a new story about someone who overcame adversity and goes on to live a happy and vibrant life. Perhaps the main character could ask the question, “What can I take from this experience (or past experiences) that will help me to become a more loving, positive and heart-centred person?”
One of the most powerful ways to shift perception is through the expression of gratitude. Rather than focusing on what we don’t have or what has reinforced our victimization, let’s look at everything that we do possess. Let’s look at our knowledge, our friendships, our work – at the beautiful outcomes that have been created by our experience and say thank you.
Life is especially difficult when we play the victim card. The challenge is not to be or see ourselves as one. The victim mindset keeps us from striving for greatness. When we play the victim role, we’re less likely to take chances, change our circumstances or break free from disempowering ways of thinking and being. We become the victim and the perpetrator of our suffering.
The good news is we’re not stuck. We can change our life, though it will take time and determination. An excellent way to start is by taking an honest inventory of the situations and circumstances that we have blamed upon others. Like it or not, we’re part of the equation and likely part of the problem – therefore, part of the solution. We should also take an honest look at our choices because what we perceive as bad luck is often poor decision-making.
“Today is a new day,” declared American best-selling author and motivator, Steve Maraboli. “Don’t let your history interfere with your destiny!” The time is right for change!
Make the right choice. Decide right now whether you want to live your life fully and with courage or whether you will be forever play a victim. It’s a decision about believing you are powerful and capable. Moreover, it’s a decision you must make every day of your life.