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Extreme Esteem: Controllers are hard to control

“No man is fit to command another that cannot command himself.”
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“No man is fit to command another that cannot command himself.”

– William Penn, English entrepreneur and philosopher

“She’s so damn controlling,” said Susan, “I’m feeling stifled creatively.”

Susan worked for a large ad agency. She had only been there a short time. Landing the job was seen as her big break, a chance to shine and showcase her talent. Now, only a few months into the job, she was feeling stifled by the heavy-handed management style of her supervisor.

“It doesn’t make any sense to me,” she said. “Why hire creative people if you won’t let them be creative?” According to Susan, her supervisor insisted upon reviewing and revamping every campaign, and this was causing Susan and her fellow team members to lose enthusiasm.

I could understand Susan’s concern, having worked in similar corporate environments. Being an easy-going person, I never felt much need to control others. And even being a bit of a perfectionist, the majority of my time was spent controlling own my own impulsive nature.

Controllers are out there, and they love to micromanage what you say, think and do. Controllers are not limited to supervisors in the workplace. You can have a controlling spouse, a controlling parent, a controlling friend and even a controlling child. If you let them, these individuals will push your buttons looking for an emotional response or perceived weakness they can exploit. Controllers have little or no respect for boundaries and will push until pushed back. Even then, they will likely regroup and launch an attack from another angle.

Why do controllers control? One theory is that these people are out of control. People who are out of control, filled with insecurities, extract a feeling of power from commanding others. This need may stem from poor self-esteem and a lack of personal worth or value.

Another theory is that controllers fear being abandoned. No relationship feels truly secure – whether at work or home – so they’re always waiting for the next shoe to drop. The paradox is that this controlling and manipulating behaviour becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Some controllers are narcissists looking to control everything and everyone around them. To these selfish individuals, everyone is just a pawn. Boundaries are something to be challenged and stepped across. Narcissists care nothing about your feelings; it’s all about them. If you’re unfortunate enough to be working for one, consider a career move. If you’re in the regrettable position of being partnered with one, seriously consider your options because to remain in such a relationship will prove tremendously damaging to your self-esteem.

As odd as it might sound, most controllers want what you’ve got. If you’re an individual with healthy self-esteem, admirable, kind, hardworking and worthy – someone with the respect of others – you’re an easy target for a controller. Controllers want to put you in your place. It’s the only way they can tolerate being around you.

To control a controller, you must establish and consistently maintain firm boundaries. Remember, your ideas and contributions matter, so stand up for them. Allow no-one to belittle your accomplishments. Do not allow others to subjugate your needs or undervalue your skills and abilities. Control your emotional buttons by not allowing others to push them.

On the topic of controllers, American author and psychologist Sarah Newman had this to say: “Make it clear each day that you’re in the driver’s seat and you’re not looking for anyone to fill that position.” Admittedly, this can be challenging so consider your approach carefully.

Controllers benefit from your kindness and goodwill. It’s time to practise self-preservation and remove the target from your back. And you might find, by putting some controls in place, that the controller will lose interest in you and move on to easier “game” elsewhere.