“We all want to be extraordinary, yet we all want to fit in. Extraordinary people rarely do.”
– Author Unknown
Jerry never quite fit in – here, there or anywhere. As a kid, Jerry preferred to sit in the library with a good book rather than playing sports or hanging out with his peers in the parking lot smoking cigarettes. While other teenagers were out partying, Jerry preferred to play records on his stereo or go for long bike rides. Occasionally, he would write short stories or even poetry.
Jerry was an ill fit with his family, too. While his brothers loved the outdoors and spent many weekends hunting and fishing, Jerry acted in community theatre and chaired a local writer’s group. Jerry’s father called him anti-social and his brothers, an oddball while his mother, a school teacher, supported his pastimes. “His interests lie elsewhere,” she would say.
Even in college and later in the workplace, Jerry was the odd man out – the proverbial square peg in a round hole. Over time, Jerry began to question his feelings and choices, his likes and dislikes. He began to wonder if he shouldn’t try a little harder to fit in with the crowd.
I think most of us, upon occasion, have felt like outsiders. Most creative people tend to fall outside the norm and can end up being labelled as different, weird or eccentric. In a world where glorious conformity is the norm, choosing to stand apart can prove a challenge.
Some people become obsessed with fitting in and being normal. This desire accounts for much of what we witness with music, clothing and social trends. But what does it mean to be normal? Does normal mean average – no greater or lesser than anyone else? An obsessive desire to be normal can limit our potential and inflict serious damage on our self-esteem.
Fitting in stems from a primal need to belong. Research suggests our need to conform is hardwired, dating back to our prehistoric ancestors. It makes sense, as in tribal times, survival depended upon inclusion. To be shunned from the group would most surely prove fatal.
An inability to fit in has led many of us to believe we’re flawed or somehow, inadequate. Most children long to be a member of the popular clique and suffer greatly when acceptance is not forthcoming. Admittedly, there are times when fitting in is essential – work being a prime example along with playing on a team or volunteering on a committee. That said, in a healthy environment, there will always room for individuality – it helps to build a strong workforce, cohesive team or unified group but we should always consider our motivation.
Issues arise when our desire to fit in overwhelms our need to be true to ourselves. By that I mean, we stifle our creativity or sacrifice what makes us special to fit in with the group. The truth is, you’re never going to be included in every group, and that is as it should be.
“We are sun and moon, dear friend, land and sea,” wrote German-born novelist, Hermann Hesse. “It is not our purpose to become each other. It is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honour him for what he is – each the other’s opposite and compliment.”
Over time, Jerry came to realize that being different from the crowd was not a weakness, but a strength – a gift that, when embraced, could become his greatest blessing. Embracing his uniqueness bolstered his self-esteem, whereas denying it, damaged it. This was especially evident when Jerry pursued a career as a creative writer. Yes, in some situations, Jerry still didn’t fit in, but where it really mattered, he was right at home. How about you?
Remember, some of the greatest thinkers and innovators in history did not fit in with their contemporaries. Those who do not fit in comfortably often think and view things differently. Some of our most significant leaps forward have come from people on the fringe.
Murray Fuhrer is a self-esteem expert.