“The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness.”
Norman Cousins, American journalist, author and professor
“So, you fix computers,” he said. “Any good at it?”
It was time for Dickey’s visit. Dickey had been a janitor at the radio station for longer than anyone could remember. His given name was Richard, but no-one called him that; he was just Dickey. He had retired years prior but still came by at least once a month to “shoot the breeze.”
My colleagues called Dickey the “Curmudgeon at Large” because he was seldom in a good mood and always complained about something: drivers, line-ups at the grocery store, the government. Today, he was complaining about modern technology – computers to be specific.
“My sister convinced me to buy it, but now I can’t get the damn printer to work!”
A couple nights later I headed over to Dickey’s small yet immaculate apartment.
“There’s the beast,” he said, pointing at the computer. “Good luck.”
It took only a few minutes to load drivers and get Dickey’s printer working. Afterward, we shared some “store-bought” cookies and instant coffee. He asked if I was married. I told him yes, with five children. He asked if I was happy. I told him yes. He frowned and told me women were deplorable, unreliable creatures and how his wife had “run off on him” some 30 years before.
Despite his bluster, I could tell Dickey was a lonely man. He twice filled my coffee cup when I mentioned that I had better be getting home. In my experience, low self-esteem and loneliness are familiar bedfellows. People with low self-esteem often have difficulty connecting with others. A weak sense of self-worth may prompt such individuals to avoid social settings and isolate themselves, supporting a belief that no-one truly cares about them or understands. It seems the longer someone remains isolated, the more difficult it becomes to reconnect with the world.
A week later, I was back again. This time the printer was unplugged. Dickey surmised that he had “bumped the cord” while vacuuming. Before I knew it, he had cookies and coffee on the table. He told me how he had met his “deplorable” wife and how he was glad she’d left.
Loneliness can quickly lead to depression. When we’re feeling bitter and angry about the unfairness of life, the gap between us and others widens, deepening our despair. People with low self-esteem will often stop doing things they once loved, and this only serves to isolate them even further. If we withdraw further still, we’re left with no-one but ourselves.
If it were today, I might ask Mickey what feelings arise when he’s alone – especially those that bubble to the surface when he thinks about stepping up and stepping out, reconnecting with friends and family. The likely culprit is fear, and in Dickey’s case a fear of being hurt or abandoned by someone. Dickey’s bluster certainly kept people away from his door.
Before long, I was back at Dickey’s apartment again. The power supply on the back of his computer had been turned off – must have happened while dusting. I could discern a pattern unfolding. Dickey was desperately lonely and craving companionship. We spoke for nearly an hour, over coffee and cookies, about relationships. This time Dickey admitted that he still loved his wife and missed her every day. His pain had become his shield and bluster his sword, preventing him from developing new relationships and, to his way of thinking, getting hurt again.
As your self-esteem improves, so will your desire to connect. You’ll begin to feel worthy of companionship again and start to seek it out. I’m not sure what became of Dickey, as I moved to another city shortly after our visits began. I hope he decided to continue reaching out.