“The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.”
– Samuel Johnson, English essayist, poet and critic
“Come on,” I said. “We are going to be late for the show!”
I had a friend once who insisted upon checking every “sash and sill” in his house before going to bed each night. When leaving home, he would check both the front and back door. After parking his car, he would walk around it, rattling all the door handles. It was incredibly frustrating and invariably, made us late for most events where he was doing the driving.
He denied there was anything wrong or unusual about the practice – it was merely a reasonable precaution in our “tumultuous times” where “people think nothing of stealing.” I told him I understood the need for being precautious, but his habit verged on obsessive-compulsive.
Habits are the behaviours we demonstrate, formed as the result of repetitive action. It’s important to remember that habits are learned; they are not innate. These repetitive patterns can result from a particular experience but often stem from the teachings of our masters: parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches, siblings, religious leaders, our culture and ethnicity.
Most of us possess a combination of good and bad habits. Good habits might include a strong work ethic, good money management, healthy self-esteem and a kind, empathetic nature. Bad habits could be addictions, people-pleasing, gambling, or a bad temper. It’s easy to see how bad habits can quickly damage our relationships, careers and self-esteem.
Through repetition, habits become automatic and, ultimately, the domain of the unconscious mind, meaning we don’t need to think about doing them any longer – they just happen.
When considering tackling an automatic pattern of behaviour, here’s something to consider: does the habit serve you and those around you in a positive manner, or is it hindering your progress and negatively impacting your self-esteem and that of those around you?
Most agree it takes 21-days to create or break a habit, but experts suggest 30 to 45-days of constant reinforcement are required before a habit becomes ingrained. That said, here are a few acknowledged ways to break an unwanted habit.
Replace the old habit with a new habit: eat fresh fruit or vegetables instead of reaching for candy when your sweet tooth becomes aroused.
Remove yourself from the stimulus that triggers the habit: lessen the desire to drink alcohol by avoiding a visit to the local watering hole.
Gradually introduce the stimulus or trigger that is provoking the behaviour: overcome a child’s fear of a dog bite by giving him or her a puppy.
Join forces with a friend: involve someone in your diet or exercise regimen.
Use the word “but” to overcome your negative self-talk: I’m out of shape, but with effort I can become active and healthy once again.
What bad habit would you like to break? What good habits might you develop to replace the bad? Whatever method you choose, you must remain focused and diligent.
I found out some time later that my friend’s habit had grown out of a home invasion years prior. Returning home from work, he caught someone in the act of stealing his television and stereo. Fear of another break-in prompted him to become hyper-vigilant about security.
The origin of his habit was legitimate and inspired the formation of his nightly ritual. Over time, however, the routine became habitual and spiralled out of controlled. So powerful was the fear that he found himself checking doors and windows when staying in a hotel room and overnight with friends and family. In a moment of reflection, he admitted, “This habit owns me!”
Remember, action and awareness are the keys to making positive change. Ponder the habits that “own you” and decide how to dispense with them once and for all. Choose habits that support your growth and self-esteem and decide to adopt them now.
Murray Fuhrer is a self-esteem expert.