“Lack of boundaries invites lack of respect.”
– Author unknown
“I didn’t teach my father,” he said, “but I think it started with him.”
I was speaking with a friend about the notion that we teach others how to treat us. My friend’s comment about his father was apt. As a child, he clearly hadn’t taught his father how to treat him, but his father – by being overly critical and dismissive – had taught his son that he lacked value, that his opinion was irrelevant and that others were more deserving.
It had been especially damaging to my friend’s self-esteem and set in motion a way of being that continued into adulthood, with devastating results. Though bright and gifted in many ways, my friend always undervalued and underappreciated himself and his efforts.
Teaching others how to treat us is a process of expressing what is and what isn’t acceptable. It also involves knowing what we need and want, and communicating such effectively with others. It is not allowing ourselves to be demeaned, diminished or devalued.
Teaching others to treat us well begins not with others, but with us. If we treat ourselves poorly, others will follow suit. Self-treatment sets the benchmark for what is acceptable. The first step is self-awareness and seriously pondering how you treat yourself. Start by asking yourself three simple yet insightful questions: “What do I value?” “What do I want?” “What do I deserve?” I find it beneficial to grab a piece of paper and write down your responses.
I endured a tremendous amount of mistreatment over the years, and I always struggled with the notion that I was teaching people how to treat me. I didn’t want to be treated poorly, and I thought the statement put all the blame for my mistreatment on me, which wasn’t fair. Over time, I came to realize that part of my problem was a lack of healthy boundaries. As a child, my boundaries were breached continuously, so eventually, I stopped establishing boundaries.
If we don’t have healthy boundaries, people pick up on it and will take advantage of us. It would be nice to think people should self-regulate and always proceed with respect and kindness, but sadly, that’s not often the case. If they perceive a weakness, they will exploit it.
It’s important to let people know that you honour yourself and that you will stand up and stand your ground should the situation require it. Admittedly, this is easier said than done, but doing so is an essential component of building and maintaining healthy self-esteem.
Another point to ponder is how we resolve conflict. I like to talk things out. Some people like to get angry and bang their fists on the boardroom table. (Likely a tactic learned and reinforced during childhood.) There was a time when my response to angry, aggressive people was to withdraw and cower in fear. (Residual conditioning from my childhood.) In doing so, I was teaching people how to (mis)treat and intimidate me. Make a lot of noise, and I’d run away.
OK, some people are jerks, and nothing we do or say is going to change them. They are going to treat your poorly. But all jerks aside, we are the common denominator when any negative pattern develops in our life. In the final analysis, we teach people by what we will tolerate.
Perhaps Tony Gaskins, American speaker and author expressed it best when he wrote, “You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop and what you reinforce.”
As for my friend, maybe his father was taught to disregard the feelings of others by his father and by his father before him. Either way, my advice to my friend was, “Choose to break the pattern and learn to treat yourself with kindness and respect; others just may follow suit.”
Murray Fuhrer is a self-esteem expert.