Last weekend was a highly controversial can of worms political football that had many people up in arms, bent out of shape and cheesed off. But in the end every Albertan stepped up to fall back. We had to – it was time for Daylight Time. And therein lies the rub.
A great many freaked out fall-back folks wanted to scrap the whole DT deal this year but the provincial powers that be, say “Nay”. It would be too impactful on business, they say. Poppycock, nay-sayers say.
So in the interest of understanding this debate – or at the very least, adding more confusion - let us consult our resident self-proclaimed issues expert, Dr. Reginald Smoot, Non-Tenured Professor of Sociology, Mail Order University of Carrot River, Sask.
HAY’S DAZE: “Dr. Smoot, what do you make of this Daylight Time controversy?”
DR. REGINALD SMOOT: “Well, it certainly is, or can be, controversial. Otherwise, it isn’t.”
H.D.: “Um, OK, let me try this: Our neighboring province to the east does not, in fact, have DT at all. You are from Saskatchewan. Coincidence?”
SMOOT: “My unofficial anecdotal research shows that here in the pristine prairies crops grow much better without Daylight Time. For example, without that extra hour of sunlight, I’ve perceived that our canola fields get much yellower. A full on school bus yellow instead of the less desirable lemon yellow. I invented a phrase for it, in fact. I call it “mellow yellow”.
H.D.: “You stole that from the 1960s song Mellow Yellow by Donovan, right?”
SMOOT: “Never heard of him. Or the Beatles. And furthermore the price of gas is adversely affected by DT. I have observed that gas prices often increase significantly on the weekend of DT.
H.D.: “Yes but we all know that gas prices jump on most weekends, particularly holiday weekends when refineries coincidentally have ‘unexpected shortages’.”
SMOOT: “Further to my hypothesis, DT adversely affects all-night gas stations and convenience stores since there is an extra hour of sunlight every night and therefore customers are reluctant to go to an all-night establishment when it is light outside.”
H.D.: “That’s ridiculous.”
SMOOT: “In addition, dogs and cats don’t like it.”
H.D.: Pardon?
SMOOT: “My studies show that 82.5 per cent of Canadians have or have had a family pet, and when DT interrupts the sensitive circadian biorhythms of domestic animals they scratch the furniture.
H.D.: “Surely you can’t be saying …”
SMOOT: “I am, and don’t call me Shirley. I’ve observed that feline species are driven to scratch furniture before, after and during DT modifications. Whereas dogs and guinea pigs and pet turtles and pet fishes simply get DST depressed.
H.D.: “Um, could I take a quick peek at your mail-order PhD?”
SMOOT: “You see, normally, these animals like to sleep 82.5 per cent of the time and when there’s an extra hour of sunlight it hurts their eyes and they are deprived of a significant portion of their normal daily 19.8 hour respite. As a result, they are clinically depressed, and this is sociologically damaging to society in general, since it’s been proven that people are only as happy as their unhappiest pet.”
H.D.: You really are full of bull …
SMOOT: “Bulls are affected, too, and believe me, we have a lot of those here in Saskatchewan. Let’s put it this way: you wouldn’t want to own a china shop if you have Daylight Time. ”
H.D.: “You’re a real whack-a-doodle aren’t you, Smoot.
SMOOT: “Sorry, we have to end this interview. It’s 4 o’clock in the afternoon and it’s pitch black here, and I have an uncontrollable urge to scratch the furniture.”
Harley Hay is a writer and filmmaker in Red Deer.