Have you got ants in your pants today? Flying by the seat of your pants? Have you recently scared (or bored) the pants off of someone or maybe been caught with your pants down? Really? “No,” you say. Well maybe you are a liar liar, pants on fire!
What is the deal with pants anyway? Why is any reference to pants just a little bit more of a “zinger” than any other piece of clothing? I mean, would the talking square sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea be even remotely the same if his name was Spongebob Squaresuitjacket? If I called you a “smarty socks” or “fancy sweater” it just wouldn’t quite be the same kick in the parka, now would it.
Famous people embrace pants. Legendary Late Night show host David Letterman’s production company is called Worldwide Pants. Popular actress Tina Fey’s autobiographical comedy book is called Bossypants. And who can forget the infamous song and dance number Jennifer Lopez and Jimmy Fallon did on his TV show called Put Your Tight Pants On? And they certainly did – giving millions of viewers definite feelings about who looks good in tight pants and who doesn’t, if you get my drift.
And who among us hasn’t referred to that cantankerous dude down the block who hates your cat as Mr. Grumpypants? I know I have.
Well, we all put our pants on one leg at a time, as they say, so there’s no point in getting knickers in a twist over a piece of clothing. But – underwear – now there’s a hunk of garment that makes sweat pants look like short-shorts.
Remember elementary school recess? “Hey, I’m going to hide out under there! (Pause for response.) Haha, I just made you say ‘underwear’!” Don’t groan, the excellent Canadian rock group Barenaked Ladies had those exact same words in one of their most popular songs (Pinch Me) so it’s not just me being typically juvenile. If I was being juvenile I’d make special mention of that epochal all-male recess pastime called “Gauchee Pull”, wouldn’t I?
No, the whole topic of underwear really tightens things up a notch so to speak. It’s a sensitive topic to some, a serious subject to others. The “I don’t get no respect’ guy Rodney Dangerfield said, “This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.” Woody Allen: “I don’t believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.” And if you want song lyrics, how about Bryan Adams: “I swear, I wanna be your underwear.” Eww, Bryan, just, eww.
But I do suspect underwear has become a lot more relevant for all of us during the damn-demic lockdown. As cartoonist Gary (Doonesbury) Trudeau said, “I finally found a job that I could do in my underwear.” (Now we can all relate. It’s called “Working From Home”.)
But all this sensitive talk about waist-down inner and outer garment draping got me to thinking about a rather disconcerting article I read in the mighty Advocate a while back. Disconcertingly, it stated that the Norwegian military have ordered their soldiers to return their underwear so that the next group of recruits can wear them. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I have that much faith in laundry detergent. Besides, the wrong pair of underwear can completely ruin your day.
Speaking of dirty laundry, former 1st Lady Michelle Obama once famously said, “Don’t judge. I used to buy underwear because I didn’t do my laundry.”
And finally, if we ever do find ourselves with our pants down, let’s not forget: you can tell an awful lot about a person from his or her underwear.
Harley Hay is a Red Deer author and filmmaker. Send him a column idea to harleyhay1@hotmail.com.