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Harley Hay: Words of wisdom

I figure here it is in the dead of winter deep into an epidemic of pan proportions and what better time to dig into the ole Words of Wisdom file? It’s a folder I keep right next to my Jokes and Memes file and it’s something I feed whenever I run across a quote, clever saying, homily, aphorism, axiom, maxim, truism or apophthegm. I dip into it whenever I’m in need of a wee bit of inspiration.
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I figure here it is in the dead of winter deep into an epidemic of pan proportions and what better time to dig into the ole Words of Wisdom file? It’s a folder I keep right next to my Jokes and Memes file and it’s something I feed whenever I run across a quote, clever saying, homily, aphorism, axiom, maxim, truism or apophthegm. I dip into it whenever I’m in need of a wee bit of inspiration. And these days, with emails and other social media flying around like a flock of anxious sparrows, my folder, like my waistline, is positively bulging. A quick peek into the sometimes smarmy, often hokey, always interesting words of wisdom world hardly ever fails to cheer me up or smarten me up. So maybe something in there might make your day a smidgen or two better.

For example, here’s a good attitude for those ‘of a certain age’: “I’m not old; I’ve just been young for a very long time.” Or how about one in honour of all those fruitless New Year’s resolutions: “My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 15 to go.” Or this bit of sage advice from country singer/actress Reba McEntire: “To succeed in life, you need three things: A backbone, a wishbone, and a funny bone.”

Have you ever had this flash of unexpected clarity? “Sometimes I open my mouth, and my Mother comes out!” Or this conversation: “The wife said, ‘Whatcha doin’ today?’ I said, “Nothin’.” She said, ‘You did that yesterday.’ I said, ‘I wasn’t finished.’”

Oh, and speaking of collecting literary fluff, did I mention I also have an Awesomely Bad Groaners file? How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough. And have you ever wondered why the word “dark” is spelled with a ‘k’ and not a ‘c’? Well, it’s because you can’t “c” in the dark. Oh, and I went to the toy store and asked the clerk where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

But I digress. Back to my W.O.W. file, I like what Ellen DeGeneres said when someone implied she might be ‘over the hill’: “Why is that a bad thing? When I go hiking and get over the hill, that means the bad part is over and there’s a snack in my future.” And what 75 year old Cher said when someone asked her if she wasn’t too old to sing rock and roll. She said, “You’d better check with Mick Jagger.” (The relentless Mr. Jagger is 78!)

Oh, by the way, I’m trying to get over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I’m not gonna lie, it’s a rocky road. Also, I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Did you know that 4 out of 3 people struggle with Math? Are you one of those people who wakes up many hours before your body allows you to get up? Here’s something you might try, just for fun: Say you’re sitting in public and stranger sits down next to you. Just stare straight ahead and say, sotto voce, “Did you bring the money?”

So Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar, and the bartender says: “Oh no, not U2 again.” Which reminds me, my friends and I have just named our new band, “Duvet.” It’s a cover band.

And finally, one more word of wisdom: Don’t mention to the contractor that you don’t want carpeted steps. He’ll just give you a blank stair.

Harley Hay is a Red Deer author and filmmaker. Send him a column idea to harleyhay1@hotmail.com.