Harley Hay

Hay: Ridiculous things people do

It’s amazing what some people will stuff into their pants. You know, live pigeons, large snakes, tiny alligators and of course, many other non-animal items such as the typically stupid stash of drugs, weapons, cigarettes and the smuggler’s very own missing brain cells.

I know I often babble on about how unbelievably dense some people can be, especially the author of this weekly Hay’s Daze column, but really, what’s better than a true tale as reported on Slice.ca of a lady in Australia who tried to get past customs with 51 tropical fish sloshing around in 15 water-filled plastic baggies hidden under her skirt? And that custom officers “became suspicious after hearing ‘flipping’ noises coming from the vicinity of her waist?”

Or the man who was stopped at an airport when officers noticed an “unusual bulge beneath the man’s t-shirt”. Turns out the man was wearing a girdle. No problem, you may say, each to their own. Sure, but upon further inspection, it was discovered that the girdle held 18 – count ’em – 18 live endangered miniature titi monkeys. (I looked up titi monkeys and one species from the Amazon has only about 250 of them left in the world.) But hey, we have to give the moron a modicum of credit. He has originally hid them in his suitcase but switched them to a sweaty girdle because he didn’t want them harmed by the X-ray machine. Such a thoughtful guy. Especially one with the IQ of a ball-peen hammer.

And speaking of tools, how about the tool carrying a tool on board an airplane? How about the guy bringing a gassed-up chainsaw as his carry-on luggage? That’s exactly what happened at a New York airport. But get this: the passenger was actually allowed to keep his chainsaw on board but authorities insisted he remove the gasoline! This was 2012, and obviously a different world back then. For the record, there was no word if the tool was driving a large truck decorated with Canadian flags and hate slogans.

This brings me to a recent newspaper article describing how an American traveler attempted to bring a reptile or two across the Mexican border a couple of weeks ago. In fact, agents found 52 (that’s 50 plus two!) live snakes and horned lizards in small bags “concealed in the man’s jacket, pants and groin area.” This is not only obviously illegal, it’s also abhorrent even if you don’t like reptiles. Let’s just say, I hope he was bitten and/or painfully squeezed in places he won’t soon forget.

Authorities have found large bills baked inside pastry, two live pigeons stuffed into a traveler’s pant legs, a Mr. Potato Head stuffed with 10 ounces of ecstasy pills, and 45 individually wrapped Snickers chocolate bars that were actually blocks of a quarter-million dollars worth of methamphetamines covered in chocolate. Talk about a sugar high!

And one incident in Bangkok really takes the cake. A lady had some trouble checking an oversized bag full of stuffed animal toys. Upon X-ray, however, it became apparent that one stuffed kitty wasn’t exactly stuffed and it wasn’t exactly a kitty. A search of the suitcase revealed a very much alive two-month-old tiger cub. She was hoping to get $3000 for it.

You see what I mean about stupid people? Some of us were pretty stupid back in the day but the only thing we – well, they – tried to smuggle (raise your hands, D. and K.) was a small bottled beverage or two into the Friday night dance at Varsity Hall at Sylvan Lake. And we – they – were almost always caught. Those Levis were much too tight in those days.

Harley Hay is a Red Deer Author and Filmmaker. You can him column ideas to harleyhay1@hotmail.com.