Hay’s Daze: How to get through the wicked flu

It was not pretty. In fact it was downright ugly. I don’t know about you, but spending eight straight hours talking to ralph on the big white phone is not my idea of a nice time. In fact I don’t ever want to have that conversation ever again. Ever.

Maybe you’ve been through it lately – it seems like everybody I talk to has had that “wicked flu” at least once this winter. I mean – what’s next – leprosy? A plague of locusts? Donald Trump playing with the big red button on his desk? Trust me, I feel your pain. This particularly vengeful bug, as Monty Python would say: “really opens up the sluices at both ends”.

And when you drag yourself back into the land of the living, a pathetic heap of your former self after a day of driving the big white bus and then two days of bed-ridden recuperation misery, the first question everybody seems to ask is: “So, did you get a flu shot before you got sick?” So you mumble something that sounds a lot like an expletive deleted and nod your weary head indicating that you in fact did get a flu shot which turned out to be much like piddling into the wind.

Some statistics say that the vaccine is very effective. Some statistics say the vaccine isn’t very effective. And then there are the conspiracy theorists who say that vaccine is a tool of the devil and the dark forces put evil stuff in there that make you want to pay more taxes and vote for Justin Trudeau.

Experts tell us that there are many different strains of the wicked flu and that choosing the right vaccine is, well, a crap shoot. Boy, that’s for sure.

So what can a person do to avoid torturous hours kneeling on the bathroom floor in abject misery, or worse, being semi-permanently parked on the commode gripping a bucket with trembling hands and a sweaty brow? Good question. You can do what I am doing now, which is Googling. I would recommend this activity before you actually get the flu, however. So, in the interests of pseudo-science, here are some suggestions from that font of all irrefutable wisdom, the interweb. These are actual recommendations from www.webmd.com (with some embellishments)…

#1: Drink fluids. A half a bottle of Jack Daniels should do it.

#2: Chicken soup sipping. This is especially true if someone else makes it for you.

#3: Be a couch potato. Listen to your body. If it’s swearing at you, stay where you belong. In bed. Alone.

#4: Humidify. Breathe warm air and steam from a hot shower or humidifier. Or preferably, Mexico.

#5: Make a tent. Drape a towel over your head, close your eyes and lean over a pot of hot water and breathe in through your nose. You should probably take the pot off the stove first. And let it stop boiling.

#6: Be a sucker. Cough drops, lozenges and hard candy can be nice to suck on. Or popsicles. Make sure you like the taste however, because it’s probably going to come back up with a vengeance.

#7: Swish and spit. Gargling with a powerful liquid is often effective. A half bottle of Jack Daniels should do it.

#8: Get a caregiver. Someone to tuck you into bed can do wonders for your recovery. Especially if they put a cool hand on your head.

Speaking of which, I’d better go. The Better Half is calling, and I guess it’s my turn to deal out some tender loving care. It’s seems I’ve given her the flu.

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