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Hay’s Daze: The scourge of the swollen selfie schnoz

Do you think you have a big nose? No? Well when was the last time you took a selfie? And then did a double-take at your propagating protuberance?
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Do you think you have a big nose? No? Well when was the last time you took a selfie? And then did a double-take at your propagating protuberance?

It turns out these are related phenomenon. I had never heard about this Pinocchio problem until I read a recent article right here in the ole Advocate. I’m sure you read it too, but if your memory is as unstable as mine, let me summarize the salient details.

It seems that plastic surgeons are seeing an increase in people “complaining about the size of their proboscis” on account of how big their collective noses look in selfie photographs. In fact more and more people seem to be seeking what they feel is the ultimate solution: rhinoplasty. From the Greek “rhino” meaning “rhinoceros”, and “plasty” meaning “plaster of Paris”, rhinoplasty is what we laymen and women call a “nose job” (also known in rhinoplasty circles as a “Michael Jackson”). But does it really have to go that far? And better yet: can’t people just stop taking selfies for five flippin’ minutes??

What many people (morons mostly) don’t seem to realize is that the camera on a cell phone has a wide angle lens and when you take a picture of your own mug from arm’s length, the result is a visual distortion - an optical illusion technically called “a picture of a big honkin’ sniffer”. If you haven’t noticed this problem of a swollen selfie schnoz then you probably have either a very small beak or very long arms. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But get this: actual statistics from last December show that the average number of selfies taken every day is 1,000,000. The number of selfies posted on Instagram to date: 35 million. And guess which three countries take the most selfies… You’re close, mate - it’s Australia, then the U.S. and then Canada. Granted, the demographic of who are snapping all of these personal mug shots is in and around the ages of 18-24, which unfortunately says a lot about the state of the world and our future leaders. But at least the future leaders will have nice noses on account of all that rhinoplasty they will undergo before the age of 40.

And the thing is most of these selfies are shared on social media, so now Instagram and Twitter and Facebook are positively flooded with photos of distorted snotlockers. What’s next – politicians blabbing about important issues on Twitter? I can’t imagine a politician – say, a President for example – who is stone cold stupid enough to do that! Because the only thing worse than a big nose on social media is a big mouth.

And it’s not very often I feel sorry for celebrities, but really, selfie fans must be a royal pain these days. Used to be that crowds would ask famous people for autographs, and most celebrities would indulge them with a quick illegible scribble on any available piece of paper or body part. Apparently, that’s not good enough anymore. Famous people now have to be accosted by demented fans who insist on taking selfies with said celebrity. So social media is now being bombarded with photos of the enlarged nostrils of famous people reluctantly posing cheek to jowl with the huge honkers of commoners. No wonder celebrities sneak out back doors.

I must admit, I have taken a selfie or two and yes my sniveling snout is not small. But then again I have one of the best solutions ever invented for vain people: it’s called Photoshop.