We seem to fly an awful lot in this family. On airplanes, I mean. Especially the Rotten Kids, they are always jumping on and off planes. Before takeoff and after landing, I mean. And as such this takes us directly down the swirling rabbit hole of hades that is the frustratingly ridiculous world of air travel. I’m sorry that you probably know full whereof I speak.
For example, I had to travel to the coast this week on a dime (also on an airplane, haha) so a few weeks ago I dutifully went online to book a flight. As close to $100 as I can get for a one way fare, I’m thinking to myself (being uncharacteristically optimistic) and I type in the particulars and up comes the results. AirCan’tada: $142. MessJet: $138.
“Yikes,” I say right out loud. “That does not fit my budget.” And then I chuckle right out loud because I wouldn’t know a budget if it slapped me in the face with my Visa overdraft statement.
I’ll try again later, I think, and then I promptly forget about it because booking air travel frustrates me to no end, and I try to avoid being frustrated.
So a week (or several) passes and the Better Half suddenly reminds me that I have a quick trip coming up and asks me what time my flight leaves the day after tomorrow. “Um,” I say, almost swallowing my dentures if I had any. “Let me check on that…”
I run down to my desk and quickly fire up the airline websites to book that dumb flight at that stupid price. You guessed it: AirCan’tada: $252, MessJet: $247. Same flights, same day, same time – tripled fares! (I’m not great at math.) Through typical airline Ouija Board voodoo, the fares have suddenly swollen beyond all understanding, reason, logic and good business practice.
By the time I finally picked up the pieces of my desktop computer that I threw across the room, I already had a Mach 1 migraine ramping up between my burning ears. My ears always seem to turn red every time I get caught in the unfathomable unfair air travel quicksand.
I can’t NOT go on the trip I think as I press a cold cloth onto my big lugs whilst getting more depressed by the millisecond. “What about those new cheap airlines?” the B.H. calls down the stairs. She knows me too well.
Googling away brings up “Rouge” which is French for “AirCan’t plane with one engine” and that new one called “Swoop” which is English for “MessJet plane with one engine”. I click on it and my ears almost fall off. Swoop: $49. What??!
Suspecting that someone from Russia has hacked my computer, I reboot and try again. Swoop: $49! This must be on a Sopwith Camel with Snoopy as the pilot, I think - or maybe 49 bucks means you have to ride standing up in the luggage compartment?
So I click some more and – aha! – one checked bag is up to $80.50 at the gate, and get this: a carry on item is $92! It’s a third of that if you get a baggage tag thingy online, and there are extra mucho dineros involved to book a seat, get priority boarding or even call their Customer Service Line ($15). The good news is you can bring a “Personal Item” on board for free. I wonder our loud if a “personal item” can be a folding lawn chair, or perhaps a very large bottle of Scotch.
So I figure “What the Hay?” and I book the $49 flight. What could possibly go wrong?