I don’t need any Christmas gifts, except …

Dear Santa:

This is your old buddy Harley here, wishing you a terrifically wonderful Christmastime.

I know I’m a bit, well, long in the tooth to be writing you like this, but I fondly remember the notes you left over the many Christmas mornings where you said you really liked the milk and shortbread cookies I left for you.

And that you knew that Rudolf would really appreciate the carrot that I left especially for him, and it looked so good, that you might have a little nibble on it yourself before you gave it to him.

Anyway, Mr. C., I thought I’d drop you a quick hello. I know you must get, like, 10 million emails about this time of year, so I’m addressing copies to “santa.com,” “santaclaus.net,” “mrclaus.org,” “sclaus.ca” and “jollyoldelf.northpole.com” with the hopes that at least one of my emails will bypass your junk mail filter and make it to your inbox.

I’m sorry S.C., I don’t know how to Tweeter, Gram Instantly or Book Faces.

But anyway, I’m not kidding, I really do believe it’s better to give than receive, and for sure, I really don’t need anything at all this Christmas gift-wise, because I have a happy and healthy family, and that’s all I need. So I certainly don’t expect you to bring me anything at all, Big Guy.

Except perhaps a (large) box of After Eights and some Purdys Chocolates (the 16-piece Classic Milk and Dark Box will do nicely, as long as I don’t have to share), a Mandarin orange in the toe of my Christmas sock and a Canadian Tire gift certificate. That would be terrific, and all I need this year.

Don’t get me wrong S-Man, I always appreciate the socks and the non-chaffing underwear, and the chocolate coins, and the nice sweaters and DVDs that you have given me over many, many happy Christmases, I really do.

So thanks a million for all the goodies over the decades, but I’m honestly not expecting anything at all this Christmas. A new snow shovel would be nice, though, since it’s been, like, stupid snowy out there lately and my old shovel is literally getting worn out. I’ve tried to shovel part of the neighbors’ sidewalks occasionally, so that should put me on the nice list.

I’m pretty sure I haven’t really been all that naughty, unless you count losing my wallet in a foreign country, but I’m assuming that’s probably on your stupid list, if you have one.

So if I qualify, I could sure use a spare plug-in thingy for my phone, but if you don’t have a spare, don’t sweat it, Santa. Really – don’t bring me a thing.

Unless you have room in your sleigh for one of those fancy coffee makers that do expressos and lattes, and one of those nice yellow mitre saws (DeWalt model DW713) and a new winter parka, the kind with the fake fur around the hood. I could really use those.

Also, the tires on my car are nearly worn out and my laptop has crashed again. And boy, would a nice, big comfy La-Z-Boy chair be perfect for in front of the TV. Oh, which reminds me, a larger TV would be also awesome this year, on account of my declining visual acuity.

But, really, don’t worry about me, I don’t need a thing. I’m not even going to attach a list. But if I did, a new wallet would probably be right up there.

Merry Christmas, Old Fella!

From your pal, Harley

Harley Hay is a Red Deer writer and filmmaker.

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