I don’t need any Christmas gifts, except …

Dear Santa:

This is your old buddy Harley here, wishing you a terrifically wonderful Christmastime.

I know I’m a bit, well, long in the tooth to be writing you like this, but I fondly remember the notes you left over the many Christmas mornings where you said you really liked the milk and shortbread cookies I left for you.

And that you knew that Rudolf would really appreciate the carrot that I left especially for him, and it looked so good, that you might have a little nibble on it yourself before you gave it to him.

Anyway, Mr. C., I thought I’d drop you a quick hello. I know you must get, like, 10 million emails about this time of year, so I’m addressing copies to “santa.com,” “santaclaus.net,” “mrclaus.org,” “sclaus.ca” and “jollyoldelf.northpole.com” with the hopes that at least one of my emails will bypass your junk mail filter and make it to your inbox.

I’m sorry S.C., I don’t know how to Tweeter, Gram Instantly or Book Faces.

But anyway, I’m not kidding, I really do believe it’s better to give than receive, and for sure, I really don’t need anything at all this Christmas gift-wise, because I have a happy and healthy family, and that’s all I need. So I certainly don’t expect you to bring me anything at all, Big Guy.

Except perhaps a (large) box of After Eights and some Purdys Chocolates (the 16-piece Classic Milk and Dark Box will do nicely, as long as I don’t have to share), a Mandarin orange in the toe of my Christmas sock and a Canadian Tire gift certificate. That would be terrific, and all I need this year.

Don’t get me wrong S-Man, I always appreciate the socks and the non-chaffing underwear, and the chocolate coins, and the nice sweaters and DVDs that you have given me over many, many happy Christmases, I really do.

So thanks a million for all the goodies over the decades, but I’m honestly not expecting anything at all this Christmas. A new snow shovel would be nice, though, since it’s been, like, stupid snowy out there lately and my old shovel is literally getting worn out. I’ve tried to shovel part of the neighbors’ sidewalks occasionally, so that should put me on the nice list.

I’m pretty sure I haven’t really been all that naughty, unless you count losing my wallet in a foreign country, but I’m assuming that’s probably on your stupid list, if you have one.

So if I qualify, I could sure use a spare plug-in thingy for my phone, but if you don’t have a spare, don’t sweat it, Santa. Really – don’t bring me a thing.

Unless you have room in your sleigh for one of those fancy coffee makers that do expressos and lattes, and one of those nice yellow mitre saws (DeWalt model DW713) and a new winter parka, the kind with the fake fur around the hood. I could really use those.

Also, the tires on my car are nearly worn out and my laptop has crashed again. And boy, would a nice, big comfy La-Z-Boy chair be perfect for in front of the TV. Oh, which reminds me, a larger TV would be also awesome this year, on account of my declining visual acuity.

But, really, don’t worry about me, I don’t need a thing. I’m not even going to attach a list. But if I did, a new wallet would probably be right up there.

Merry Christmas, Old Fella!

From your pal, Harley

Harley Hay is a Red Deer writer and filmmaker.

Just Posted

Man from Olds killed in collision near Sundre

A 39-year-old man from Olds was killed in a collision near Sundre… Continue reading

Tips to keep crime at bay this Christmas

’Tis the season for joy and celebration, but the Christmas season can… Continue reading

Olympic ski run designer creates upgrades at Canyon Ski Resort

Jeff Ihaksi says free-style and alpine ski venues are Canada Winter Games-worthy

Updated: Collision expert backs version of crash of driver accused of manslaughter

Daniel Newsham accused of manslaughter in fatal 2016 collision

WATCH: More than 100 protest UN migration pact, carbon tax in Red Deer

Chants of “Trudeau must go” echoed through the streets of downtown Red… Continue reading

Tkachuk’s goal in 3rd gives Flames 2-1 win over Wild

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Matthew Tkachuk scored the go-ahead goal midway through… Continue reading

Women use scent to lure wolf-dog that ran away from Calgary airport

EDMONTON — A woman from Alberta is thanking an unconventional strategy for… Continue reading

Suspect in Alberta, Saskatchewan bank robberies to get mental assessment

MEDICINE HAT, Alta. — A former Winnipeg broadcaster and journalism instructor accused… Continue reading

Trudeau to make it harder for future PM to reverse Senate reforms

OTTAWA — Justin Trudeau says his government hopes to make legal changes… Continue reading

No winning ticket for Friday night’s $60 million Lotto Max jackpot

TORONTO — There was no winning ticket for the $60 million jackpot… Continue reading

All evacuation orders lifted in deadly California wildfire

PARADISE, Calif. — All evacuation orders have been lifted in Paradise more… Continue reading

All aflutter about our feathered friends

Christmas Bird Count will be held Dec. 23

Baylor ties pervade rape case that sparked uproar

DALLAS — The Texas judge who approved a plea deal allowing a… Continue reading

Most Read