The last couple of years have been bitter-sweet periods of my life. While I experienced grief and sadness from the loss of two loved ones, I also experienced the joy and excitement of gaining two family members when my son and later my nephew got married. If this were a math problem to be solved, the two sides would be equally balanced.
However, life is not a simple, solvable, math problem; the joy of gaining a family member never really takes away the grief of losing a long-loved one. Additionally, if there was no opportunity to process the grief from the loss of a loved one, it remains smoldering beneath the ashes of the past days, relentlessly tormenting the bereaved ones.
This was what I experienced for the last couple of years. My family members who participated in the funeral rites grieved together, helping each other heal in the process. Unable to participate in the rituals that followed the passing of my loved ones, my unresolved grief remained suppressed, and the wounds of separation took much longer to heal.
This is where memorial services and gatherings to celebrate the life of the departed one become meaningful and essential. These gatherings to remember and celebrate a person are not required for the family alone, but also for the close friends and associates, who also need the opportunity to process their grief in a healthy manner.
Though we have experienced the loss of loved ones from childhood and accepted it as the reality of life, these losses become more frequent as we age. While it is easier to find new friends in the place of the ones lost in our youth, it becomes increasingly difficult as we age, because of our progressively shrinking social circle. These twin phenomena lead to permanent voids in our life.
Having a rich network of close connections can always go a long way in helping the bereaved family and friends cope with the loss of a loved one. Equally important are the rituals and memorial services to remember and celebrate the life of the departed person.
These days there seems to be a new trend among seniors to abandon memorial services and other funeral rites. Some families organize only a private ceremony for the immediate family, because the departed person had instructed the family not to have any memorial services for them in the community. The person may not have wanted the family to spend money on an elaborate service.
This is an unhealthy trend that is totally insensitive to the sentiments of friends and associates of the departed person. As discussed earlier, these gatherings help the bereaved family and friends to cope with their loss and to process their grief. We need to remember that memorial services are actually intended for the ones left behind and are essential for their wellbeing.
If finance is a concern, you could opt for an informal social gathering of family and friends, which would serve the purpose equally well. Alternatively, a bereaved family member or a friend could organize such an informal gathering for other family members and friends of the departed person, at a community centre, or in one of the parks.
There are several organizations offering grief support programs and services for bereaved individuals and families in Central Alberta. These include faith organizations such as Crossroads Church, Sacred Heart Parish, local organizations such as Catholic Social Services, Parkland Family Services, Family Services of Central Alberta, Alberta Health Services, Gathering Place, and Shalom Counseling.
Red Deer Hospice, Widowed Support Network, and Golden Circle Senor’s Centre run bereavement support groups. If you are struggling to cope, please reach out and connect with community service providers without delay. For a full list of resources available in Red Deer and area please visit www.reddeervsu.ca/pdfs/resources-grief-support.pdf
Grief is natural and it takes time to process grief and develop healthy coping strategies. A memorial service to celebrate the life of the departed person is a kind gesture to the bereaved family and friends to help them process their grief. Let us always remain sensitive to the sentiments of our family and friends, both in life and death, and make it easier for them to continue their journey, in our absence.
Padmaja Genesh, who holds a bachelor degree in medicine and surgery as well as a bachelor degree in Gerontology, has spent several years teaching and working with health care agencies. A past resident of Red Deer, and a past board member of Red Deer Golden Circle, she is now a Learning Specialist at the Alzheimer Society of Calgary. Please send your comments to padmajaganeshy@yahoo.ca