A few years ago there was a young man who would come to the kitchen and on different occasions had to be kicked out because of the expressions of his anger. Then sometimes, on the same day or a day later ‘Alfred’ would approach me and ask for forgiveness, saying he would try to be better. Once again I used this as an opportunity to find out why he would act the way he did with so much anger.
We face folks like this continually, and before too long you begin to realize that there is a definite reason for their attitude; my quest then is to find out what got them to that point, because in many ways these people each have at least some redeeming qualities.
Alfred was born and raise in a rural community with two sisters and a younger brother and two alcoholic parents; never sober alcoholic and argumentative parents! Beatings were the constant response to any sibling rivalry. It was not unusual for the mother to sport a few bruises either.
All four children slept in one room on bunkbeds and the parents in the other. The doors on either room did not close properly, so there was never any privacy. Both sisters were abused by the father even at times with the others present. One time the father even brought another woman home and kicked their mother out of the bed so he could use the woman he had brought. Any objection was immediately met with a beating.
When and if they tried to console the mother after a beating, she would turn on them as well. One sister committed suicide at age fifteen, and the other was in and out of psychiatric hospitals until she also died at nineteen. He has lost contact with the younger brother, but the last time he saw him, he was clean and doing well.
The mother passed away three years ago; Alfred did not bother to attend the funeral. Last he heard of the father, he is now an old man on the street in Vancouver; never charged for any of the actions he forced on the family. In Alfred’s words, these were things you did not open up about too much to the public, as a matter of fact, you did your best to hide them because of the shame involved.
Drinking started at age 13, and weed at fourteen with cocaine and then crack to follow; it was meth that finally increased his anger to the point it would make it uncontrollable at times. Anger uncontrolled presents a myriad of problems that often end with remand or even prison time; both of which this young man experienced. Society’s response to this type of behavior is very predictable simply because their understanding of his past and current actions are totally unknown; nor do they want to learn about it or deal with it; just make it go away.
For sure there are agencies who are more than willing to help, but first, someone or something has to break through the protective shell that Alfred has developed over the years; to this point he has not seen anything in life to do just that.
Although he has some semblance of faith, he still blames God for letting his father continue to live at all. The hatred he has for his father totally prevents him from having any decent kind of a relationship with another person or for that matter with God.
His anger has to be dealt with for sure, and if it crosses the line must be punished, but somewhere along the line, we as a society have to come to grips with the fact that so much of this happens constantly under our noses.
It emphasizes the results of uncontrolled upbringing.
Chris Salomons is the kitchen co-ordinator at Potters Hands.