‘Syrup-sucking ice-holes’

The city that will play host to long track speedskating during the 2010 Olympics is putting satirical talk show host Stephen Colbert on notice.

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RICHMOND, B.C. — The city that will play host to long track speedskating during the 2010 Olympics is putting satirical talk show host Stephen Colbert on notice.

Colbert, who recently announced he’s sponsoring the cash-strapped U.S. speedskating team during the upcoming Winter Games, has given Canadians a strict wag of the finger for denying the American squad ice time at the Olympic oval in Richmond, B.C.

Colbert has called Canucks “syrup-sucking Canadian iceholes” and has urged his Colbert Report viewers to send in letters demanding Canadians cease their icehole-ish behaviour.

He’s told his viewers to include their addresses because Canadians are so polite they’ll undoubtedly reply with a thank you note.

City of Richmond spokesman Ted Townsend has sent a letter of his own to Colbert’s studios in New York, offering the former Daily Show correspondent an olive branch.

“Dear Cousin,” the letter begins.

“As a proud syrup sucker, I am saddened that you would cast aspersions on Canadians as part of your otherwise laudable quest to assist the cash-strapped American speedskating team.

“We have always welcomed our friends from south of the border with open arms (well, except in 1812). In fact, we’ve always fondly considered you as our American ‘cousins’ and politely tolerated you, even when you were in an imperialistic mood.”

Townsend wrote in the letter that international skaters have never been barred from the Olympic oval, though they have been asked to follow rules to get on the ice.

“You might have noticed that us syrup-suckers are big on rules and regulating things; that’s how we got universal public medicare,” the letter reads.

But to show there are no hard feelings, Townsend, who calls himself “chief syrup sucker,” has offered Colbert a position as ombudsman of treatment for American speedskaters during the 2010 Games.

The city has included a pink tuque with the letter, which Townsend said could be part of Colbert’s uniform during the Games.

“We hope you will take us up on this offer, dear cousin,” Townsend letter reads.

“We suggest you start the training for your new position now. A good start would be to acclimatize yourself by drinking at least one litre (oops, sorry, make that a quart, I forgot that you Americans don’t do metric) of radiator anti-freeze fluid per day.”

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