Lynne Butler was enjoying a rare Christmas vacation with all four of her far-flung siblings and their children when her parents called a family meeting.
As the in-laws and grandkids were asked to leave the room, Butler’s mom and dad pulled out a brown envelope full of documents and turned their minds from the presents to the future — their deaths.
Which seemed strange, since both parents, then in their 60s, were perfectly healthy.
“They wanted everyone to know what they were planning in their will,” says Butler, an Edmonton wills and estate lawyer.
“They never said, ‘We have this much money.’ It was more about who is going to be executor, how we are going to divide things up, here’s what we are going to do about the grandkids.”
Then her father started scanning five copies of every photo in the house.
“You wouldn’t believe the fights family can have over things like pictures, mom’s sewing machine, or the figurines on the bedside table. Things like that are more likely to be the source of family conflict after the parents are gone than money,” says Butler.
That family meeting seven years ago helped inspire Butler’s new book, Estate Planning Through Family Meetings (without breaking up the family).
“We were just making it up as we went, really. No one was really comfortable. My sister was in tears. Your parents dying is not something you really want to think about.
“But it’s important to get your head to a place where you realize you’re not really talking about dying, you’re talking about planning for the future.”
Butler takes that same approach with her clients, many of whom tend to draw up wills without thinking how simple words can cause rifts that ripple for generations.
Linda Somers knows about that firsthand. She started her Toronto business, Legacy Coaching Services, three years ago after a bitter two-year battle over her parents’ estate.
“My goal now is that I want parents to consider the long-term consequences of their will and estate plan,” says Somers, 67. “A will is not just about distributing your money or possessions, it’s about distributing your love.
“Your will is your final words to your children. They shouldn’t be cruel.”
Somers’ parents told her before they died, just six months apart, that they had appointed one of her cousins to be co-executor with her and her brother. Somers warned her mother that could become an issue. It did, she says, when her cousin and brother aligned against her.
Eventually Somers won an equal share of the six-figure estate, but not without heartache and suffering that she’s found is surprisingly common.
“That really started me thinking about how you can help people leave this earth in a wonderful, loving way without causing untold, unnecessary problems. Lawyers and accountants and financial advisers are not typically trained in how to do that. They don’t have expertise in family dynamics.”
Somers, a former management consultant, offers seminars and one-on-one advice about the pitfalls of wills and the importance of talking to those who will be affected before you are dying or dead.
This can be particularly pressing if you have a family business or a cottage that some of your kids may want and others may consider a burden.
No item is too small for misunderstandings when the parents are no longer around to explain their intentions, including, say, who should get grandma’s original recipe cards.
David Gage is a U.S. psychologist who for 20 years has been helping families with what he calls “collaborative estate planning” — a relatively common approach in the States that has yet to gain traction in Canada.
In some cases, especially with remarriages that can have a serious impact on children’s inheritances, Gage will recommend the meetings take place in a more relaxed environment, such as at a hotel or resort.
“I think people delude themselves into thinking that all their kids are going to get the message they are trying to give in their will,” says Gage. “Collaborative estate planning is about reducing the risk of misunderstandings that are so common and so destructive.”
That can be something as simple as explaining to your son, a wealthy financial adviser, why you plan to leave the bulk of your estate to his sister and her two kids, who have been impoverished by a difficult divorce.
“What parents don’t realize is the shift in dynamics that occurs when they’re not there. There’s so much that parents can do legally, and from a relationship standpoint, that can really destroy their children.
“Because there is no dialogue, that final statement is often misinterpreted and, after the person dies, there is really no way to clarify what they meant.”
Butler, for instance, was surprised to find out at the family meeting that her parents weren’t making her executor, given that she’s been a wills lawyer for 20 years. All five children were capable, they stressed, but they opted for the eldest son.
The meeting was a chance to discuss what should happen to the family’s beloved Vancouver Island home after both parents are gone. And Butler’s dad was able to allocate one prized possession to each of his children.
When Butler’s dad died unexpectedly a year ago, the family didn’t have to spend days sorting out insurance and other financial issues, making it easier to focus on helping their mother.
Butler and her sister will eventually share her mother’s jewelry and other valuables.
“I’m not going to fight over anything,” says Butler. “I’ve seen the damage it can do fighting over small items that are loaded with emotion.
“My parents would not want that.”