“A man’s venom poisons himself more than his victim.”
— Charles Buxton, English brewer, philanthropist and writer
“Tell that story,” implored Lisa. “The one about buck naked Kyle.”
“Don’t bother,” said my wife. “We’ve all heard it too many times already.”
My son, Kyle and his girlfriend, Lisa had stopped by the house for dinner. Following the meal, it was time for a cup of coffee, good conversation and a story or two.
When my eldest son, Kyle was just a toddler, he liked to run around the house and yard in the buff. I used to refer to him as Buck — Buck Naked jokingly. My wife was forever hauling him into the house, dressing him up and sending him back outside to play. Within a few minutes, however, we would spot him playing in the yard — usually with the garden hose — in his birthday suit. It was like a scavenger hunt trying to find where he had left his clothes — in our yard or the neighbours on either side.
One day, my wife had had enough. Company was coming, and Kyle’s streaking tendencies would have to end. She hauled him inside, took him to his room and dressed him up in a nice shirt and pair of dress pants then knelt in front of him.
“Listen, Mister,” she warned. “You keep these clothes on, understand?”
Kyle nodded then sat down to play with his Ghostbusters toys.
Satisfied, my wife left the room only to be alerted a few minutes later by one of his sisters that Kyle was outside, naked, trying to spray them with the garden hose.
My wife lost it. Angry now, she tromped outside and yelled, “If I catch you out here without your clothes on, you are going to be in so much trouble, Mister!”
“Sorry,” came a voice from the next yard. “But I hate those tan lines.”
There are times when our anger is merely embarrassing. Other times, however, when our anger is damaging. When words and actions prompted by anger can cause tremendous physical and emotional harm. It would be impossible to calculate how many relationships, careers and lives have been damaged or destroyed by an angry outburst.
In and of itself, anger is neither positive or negative. It becomes negative when expressed inappropriately. Anger can be tremendously damaging to our self-esteem when we’re the unfortunate target of an outburst. I know many people who — years later — are still dealing with the fallout of an angry parent or sibling. In many families, an angry outburst is followed by denial. Let’s just forget anything happened and move on. This is never an effective strategy leading to the anger becoming undiscussable.
If anger is running away with you, it’s time to do something about it.
If we’re tired or stressed-out, have consumed alcohol or other stimulants, our tolerance level is lessened, and even minor irritations can produce an angry response.
When you feel the lid begin to rattle, try these coping strategies.
Breathe! When you lose your temper, your brain is awash with chemicals called catecholamines that impede higher brain function. Anger causes a surge in the stress hormone cortisol which engages your fight-or-flight response. Before you reach the point of no return, remember 7-11. Breathe in for the count of seven and out for 11.
Call for a timeout. If and when possible, remove yourself from the situation, calm down and deal with it when your mind and body have returned to balance.
Identify your triggers. Before you shift into overdrive, stop. Recognizing your triggers will help you withdraw from anger before you reach that point of no return.
Address the cause. Perhaps your anger is a symptom of a deeper, underlying issue like fear, guilt, hurt, regret, envy or lack of self-worth from poor self-esteem.
“Speak when you’re angry,” declared American writer, comedian and film star, Groucho Marx, “and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
Murray Fuhrer is a self-esteem columnist