Hay’s Daze: A better half birthday girl quandary

  • Jul. 15, 2017 12:30 a.m.

It’s that time of year again. It seems to come around every single year about this time – in fact, at exactly this time. Just like clockwork, a clock that seems to run faster each year, it’s suddenly the Better Half’s birthday.

And every year around this time, I wonder: Is it OK to give your B.H. a vacuum cleaner on her birthday? Or a new hedge trimmer? I really need a new hedge trimmer and I could borrow hers if I gave her one for her birthday. Or perhaps some new batteries for the cordless phone in the house – she’s always talking on that thing, and the batteries are always wearing out.

OK, I know what you’re thinking. Your thinking – sure, go down that road if you want to, buddy, but the next gift you’re paying for will be all those hefty lawyer bills. Divorces aren’t cheap these days.

So I was in a quandary, and we all know how uncomfortable a quandary can be, so of course I did what any desperate househusband would do in such a pickle… I Goggled “gift ideas for wife’s birthday”. Because it certainly beats shopping. And in the interests of public service, I thought I’d share my findings. (Just don’t tell my B. H.)

One site called GIFT.com had marginally helpful predictable suggestions such as expensive chocolates, expensive jewelry and something called a “leather tote”. And since I’m not even sure what a “tote” is, and it was listed at $169 American dollars, I quickly clicked on the next one on the search list – promisingly named BIRTHDAYINSPIRE.com.

“How about some expensive wine?” they suggested. There’s one “full-bodied red” they recommended that is provocatively labelled Fifty Shades of Grey. Now if they had beer called Fifty Shades of Hay, I might have been interested. “She’ll love a special day at a luxury Spa” they cooed. And then they mentioned the price of an average luxury day at a luxury Spa. I spent less than that on my first car. And it’s not that I’m being cheap when it comes to my B.H.’s birthday – it’s just that I’m pretty sure she doesn’t really like going to those sweaty spas with all that rampant pampering. I guess I’ll have to ask her about that some time. But when the recommendations started mentioning “well deserved vacations to the tropics” I got the heck right out of that site before it started asking for my credit card number.

But thankfully, I somehow found myself at a place that spoke to me. Literally. It had audio and everything, but the point is, I may have been on the “Dark Web” – whatever that is – on account of the suggested gifts for wives were more up my alley, so to speak.

There was a full sized Inflatable Walker for about 25 bucks. From a few paces away it looks just like one of those silver metal walkers that old folks use, except it’s made out of, like, balloon material. Awesome.

How about a pair of socks for the lucky spousal unit? The bottom of one says: “If You Can Read This” and the other sock says: “Bring Me Some Coffee”. Or even better: a pair of Slipper Mops. Those nice fluffy slippers that have mop material on the bottom and all around the sides so that she can do a little simultaneous cleaning whilst shuffling around the kitchen ($12.00).

Hey, I know! You can’t go wrong with a gift certificate, right? Now all I have to decide is: Rona or Canadian Tire?

Harley Hay is a local writer and filmmaker.

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