Reality sets you free from baby fever

There are moments — not often, but sometimes — when nostalgia decides to creep up on me and I get a rare case of baby fever. I will look at my nieces and nephews and think, “Oh golly gosh, [I think in terms of a 1950s housewife] a little teensy tiny baby would be so nice to have to cuddle and hold. I want a baby.”

There are moments — not often, but sometimes — when nostalgia decides to creep up on me and I get a rare case of baby fever.

I will look at my nieces and nephews and think, “Oh golly gosh, [I think in terms of a 1950s housewife] a little teensy tiny baby would be so nice to have to cuddle and hold. I want a baby.”

It was a few months ago and I was going through one of these said baby fever moments. Each time I laid eyes upon a cooing little bundle of drool, I would almost immediately melt into a state of pure and utter uterine yearning.

So when my sister in law, Ashley, asked me to watch six-month-old Jackson for the evening, I was thrilled.

I envisioned a night of baby cuddles on the couch, complete with patty cake and the belly laughs. Oh how it would be a glorious time!

I smiled at myself knowingly as I rushed past the front hall mirror just minutes before the kid was due to be dropped off. I had prepared everything. The kids were tucked neatly in my room watching a movie. The play pen was moved into the living room where Jackson and I would be camped out for the night. And I had mentally prepared myself for a night with baby.

“Man I am an amazing auntie!” I thought to myself.

The parents left quickly after dropping the babe off. That was mainly because I was ushering them out the door because I surely didn’t need them infringing on me and my nephew’s super cool and fun night.

When 7:30 rolled around, I prepared the child’s bottle. I did just as his mother instructed and even held him in the suggested position. He did not enjoy suggestion position. He hated suggested position. The screaming commenced.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m used to screaming — Sophie’s got a set of lungs on her that’s hard to compare. But nothing is quite like the anguished screams of a baby. I was beginning to get nervous.

“What if he never shuts up? What if I broke the kid or something?” I thought to myself.

Soon after, the panic set in.

What if I somehow, some way I had got spicy chili spice from the salsa I was making earlier on the nipple of his bottle and his mouth was currently burning up?

This is seriously what I was thinking as I madly scrubbed the nipple of the bottle under scalding hot water while the babe cried in the background. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

It turned out it wasn’t the nipple. So I began to rock him gently in my arms. This was about the time that the delirium kicked in. For some God awful reason I decided that the poem The Cremation of Sam McGee would more than likely lull the six-month-old to sleep so I began. …

“There are strange things done in the midnight sun. …” Although I swapped my usual eerie recital voice for a happy sing-song melody as I rehearsed the verse to the boy.

It didn’t work; it only made him scream louder.

So there I am — rocking, half singing, half crying nonsensical gibberish to the child whilst he reciprocates by screaming nonsensical gibberish back at me. We were a pair, I tell you!

I decided to try a different approach, seeing as how my arms were beginning to turn to mush and the fear that I would drop the kid was growing. I laid on the couch sprawling him over my torso and turning the tube on for background noise.

A flashback came to me of when Lars was small and how if I was uptight and nervous, he would never go to sleep with me. So I tried my damndest to calm down.

Low and behold it worked!

As I calmed myself down, so did the babe! His eyes became unbearably droopy and before long he was drifting off to wherever kids go when they fall asleep.

I was readying myself to move the lump of cuteness to his crib when I heard it. My heart dropped and then rose again as its palpitations came on fast and furious.

The sound of small footsteps running towards me, little voices shrieking closer — the children! I had forgotten about the children! And they were on the move, heading straight towards the finally sleeping babe. I wanted to yell and tell them to SHUT IT. But I didn’t want to startle the snoozing baby.

So instead I let it happen, hoping I could give them ‘the look’ before they woke him up.

But before I knew it, Jackson was screaming, Lars and Soph were screaming and I was remembering all too fondly why two kids are good enough for me!

Lindsay Brown is a Sylvan Lake mother of two and freelance columnist.

Just Posted

BREAKING: Red Deer to host Canadian Finals Rodeo in 2018

Saddle up Red Deer, the Canadian Finals Rodeo in Canada is coming… Continue reading

Veterans’ Park barrier key to pedestrian safety, says Red Deer traffic engineer

The recently roughed-up concrete barrier in front of Veterans’ Park has seen… Continue reading

Man accused of home invasion in court

Victim was shot and cut with machete in September 2017 attack

Suspect accused of fleeing police in court

RCMP fired shots twice while trying to arrest three suspects in October 2017 chase

WATCH: Rebels play floor hockey with Annie L. Gaetz students

The Rebels may be on a losing streak but they were definitely… Continue reading

Ice dancers Virtue and Moir to carry flag at Pyeongchang Olympics

Not since Kurt Browning at the 1994 Lillehammer Games has a figure… Continue reading

Beer Canada calls on feds to axe increasing beer tax as consumption trends down

OTTAWA — A trade association for Canada’s beer industry wants the federal… Continue reading

Central Albertans recall Hawaii’s false missile alert

Former Red Deer councillor Paul Harris was hanging out at the Ka’anapali… Continue reading

This robotic maid takes us one step closer to ‘The Jetsons’

Imagine this: You’re rushing to get ready for work — juggling emails,… Continue reading

Milan line offers canine couture for pampered pooches

Milan has long been the world’s ready-to-wear fashion leader. Now, dogs are… Continue reading

Kim Kardashian West and husband Kanye welcome baby girl

NEW YORK — It’s a girl for Kim Kardashian West and her… Continue reading

Advocate poll takers oppose plastic bag ban

Red Deer Advocate readers like their plastic bags. In an Advocate poll,… Continue reading

Most Read


Five-day delivery plus unlimited digital access for $185 for 260 issues (must live in delivery area to qualify) Unlimited Digital Access 99 cents for the first four weeks and then only $15 per month Five-day delivery plus unlimited digital access for $15 a month