The moments you can’t take back

Today I would like to give you, my lovely readers, just four (out of thousands) of embarrassing moments my children can never take back; reminding you that you are certainly not alone in this thing we call parenthood.

Today I would like to give you, my lovely readers, just four (out of thousands) of embarrassing moments my children can never take back; reminding you that you are certainly not alone in this thing we call parenthood.

— Sophie and I were in a public restroom at the beach recently. After she relieved herself, I told her to stand to the side so I could sit down to do my business.

(Before I go on let me add this was a rather busy bathroom that was packed tight with listening ears.)

As I hovered myself over the toilet, she looks at my bum, then at my face … then at my bum again. She then yells out and I mean YELLS in the most compromising kind of way, “Mama, your butt is too big for this potty, is that why you don’t sit down?”

— I am not one to pass gas in front of just anyone, heck, my best friends of 15 years have seldom heard me do the deed. It personally just feels icky (for lack of a better term) and I prefer to keep my business to the solitude of a washroom or secluded area.

However, there are moments when your stomach is in a retched knot of gassiness and you know that the small and innocent act of passing gas will make you feel a million times better.

The kids and I were in the grocery store — I am in such stated predicament, so I began looking for a discreet locale to … well … release. It was then that Sophie took off in a run for no apparent reason. It was then that I grabbed Lars and hobbled awkwardly after her. It was then that I desperately tried to hold it in, yet found myself completely unsuccessful in that plight.

Let me paint you a picture: me running, butt clenched in futility, screaming at my child in a disturbingly demonic voice to, “Stop, stop where you are!” All the while I am exhaling loud puffs of pong from my rear. People are looking. People are pointing.

And to add insult to injury, Lars begins laughing hysterically asking, “Why are you farting so much Mom?”

— I love dresses, they are cool and their flow is simply perfect for the balmy summertime weather. What they are not perfect for is going on walks with the kids. Unfortunately, this little nugget of information came to me a little too late.

The day was a scorcher but the kids wanted to go for a walk to the park. I slapped some sunscreen on them, their hats and shoes, and we were ready to roll. I decided a nice long walk would get them good and tired so we opted for one of the further parks from our home. We arrived, they played and all was good.

As we were walking back, I could see the fatigue in the children, especially little Sophie as she was trailing behind us considerably. It would not be long before she was dragging herself by fingertips along the black asphalt path we trudged.

So I grabbed my babe by the arms and swung her up onto my back. We walked for a bit and several times snickering skateboarders would roll past us laughing their juvenile raunchy laugh. I was beginning to wonder what the hell was so funny when I caught a brisk draft floating in and around an area in which the wind usually does not grace.

Turns out the girl’s foot had slipped under the hem of my dress as I lifted her up, revealing my backside for all of the path’s patrons to see. On the bright side, I got a bit of a tan on an otherwise pretty pasty zone.

— Over winter, the kids and I did a lot of swimming at the pool. On one occasion, after swimming as we were getting changed in the change-rooms, I unintentionally flashed everyone in the joint … almost full frontal. Let’s just say ‘full enough’ frontal.

This is what you get when you dress your children first and leave for last the struggle of removing your sticky clingy one-piece that is not nearly as flattering when peeling down your body. Your three-year-old daughter will indeed get bored of watching your undertaking and decide to fling open the door to the stall.

There I was standing half naked and in shock to a room full of women and children, rolls of belly jelly hanging over the bottom half of suit that was still sucking in my lower portions (I’d like to say thankfully, but I’m not sure if ‘thankful’ would be the word for it).

At that moment, I was a deer in the headlights and all I could do was stand there trusting I was not the only woman who had ever been duly embarrassed by their unaware offspring.

Lindsay Brown is a Sylvan Lake mother of two and freelance columnist.

Get local stories you won't find anywhere else right to your inbox.
Sign up here

Just Posted

The Red Deer public library will likely not reopen as soon as other branches because work needs to be completed on its HVAC system replacement. (File photo by ADVOCATE staff)
Preparation work begins on reopening Red Deer’s libraries

CEO hopes to know more about reopening dates later this week

(Photo from Highway 11 Functional Planning Study)
Public input wanted for Highway 11 improvement plan

Round 2 of public online engagement continues until March 10

Workers were busy getting a tall crane in place Thursday morning for the construction of the new courthouse in downtown Red Deer. The facility will include modern technology and replace the existing courthouse upon completion expected in spring 2023. Photo by Paul Cowley/Advocate staff
Red Deer building permits down slightly in February

The Real Canadian Superstore in Red Deer will be getting a facelift.… Continue reading

Players battle for the puck during the Ice Hockey World Championships Group A match between Russia and Denmark, in Moscow, Russia, on Thursday, May 12, 2016. THE CANADIAN PRESS/AP, Ivan Sekretarev
AHJL to drop puck March 12

The Alberta Junior Hockey League will return to the ice next Friday.… Continue reading

Sylvan Lake RCMP are investigating a break-in at a seasonal residence where three oil paintings were stolen. (Photo contributed)
Art theft in Lacombe County

Sylvan Lake RCMP investigating

Red Deer dogs Bunsen and Beaker helped save a missing pet recently. The two dogs have more than 80,000 followers on Twitter. (Contributed photo)
WATCH: Red Deer science dogs help save lost pet

Red Deer science-communicating dogs Bunsen and Beaker helped rescue a missing pet… Continue reading

Ryan Jake Applegarth of Ponoka, 28, is scheduled to appear at Ponoka Provincial Court on March 12, 2021. (File photo)
Discussions about justice continue as Ponoka murder victim’s case proceeds

Reaction to comments Ponoka Staff Sgt. Chris Smiley made to town council last month

Dr. Stanley Read
Hometown Bashaw doctor recognized with alumni award for AIDS work

Dr. Stanley Read, born and raised in Bashaw, is considered a global health leader

A nurse assistant prepares a dose of the Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine for COVID-19 during a priority vaccination program for health workers at a community medical center in Sao Paulo, Brazil, Wednesday, Feb. 3, 2021. THE CANADIAN PRESS/AP-Andre Penner
COVID-19 cases start to climb again as variants spread, in step with dire forecasts

OTTAWA — Canada’s chief public health officer says new COVID-19 cases are… Continue reading

Shipping containers are seen at the Fairview Cove Container Terminal in Halifax on Friday, Aug. 25, 2017. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Andrew Vaughan
Statistics Canada to release final economic figures for 2020, January GDP estimate

OTTAWA — Statistics Canada is expected to say today precisely how bad… Continue reading

FILE - In this Jan. 31, 2020, file photo, former NBA player Shaquille O’ Neal is interviewed on the red carpet for Shaq’s Fun House in Miami. O’Neal is set to perform in his first competitive match when he teams in All Elite Wrestling with Jade Cargill in a mixed tag to take on Cody Rhodes and Red Velvet at Daily’s Place on an episode of “Dynamite,” Wednesday, March 3, 2021. (AP Photo/Lynne Sladky, File)
Shaq Attack: O’Neal ready to rumble in tag match for AEW

O’Neal’s first competitive match with All Elite Wrestling

Tokyo 2020 Organizing Committee President Seiko Hashimoto, center, speaks during a Tokyo 2020 executive board meeting in Tokyo, Tuesday, March 2, 2021. (AP Photo/Koji Sasahara, Pool)
Tokyo Olympics add 12 women to executive board to reach 42 per cent

Board will now have 19 women among its 45 members

The Stratford Festival’s Festival Theatre is shown in Stratford, Ont., on May 28, 2018. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Geoff Robins
Stratford Festival plans next stages with two outdoor summer venues

Ontario festival productions set for between late June and the end of September

Most Read