The world is full of it these days. Boy, is it ever. Bad news I mean.
What with wars and pestilence and movies like Hot Tub Time Machine 2, it can be downright depressing. That’s why it’s so nice to see some meaningful, life-affirming, important news stories once a while. Significant news items like Butt-Dialing Bust and Dancing Genitals Video.
But let’s start with a recent newspaper article headlined Bird saliva next big health fad, shall we?
Most everyone has heard of it, and some unfortunate readers may have actually slurped something called “bird’s nest soup.” I believe my Mom used to make some kind of soup when I was an innocent kid that I think might have been bird’s nest soup. At least it tasted like it may have been made out of bird slobber on account of I’m pretty sure it had beets in it. Or possibly turnips. Or other materials on par with bird saliva that are not meant for human consumption in any way, shape or form.
But the news out of Kuala Lumpur describes how the bird’s nests of a particular feathered flyer called a swiftlet are among the world’s most expensive foods — selling for US$2,500 per kg. But now swiftlet spittle is being touted as the next big thing to mix into your coffee, cereal and puddings, and the drool is even being made into candies. Yum! Bird Spit Toffee anyone? How about some nice Fowl Mouth Mucus Caramel Pudding? I’d recommend checking label ingredients very carefully from here on in.
Still with the animal theme, we turn to that recent shining spectacle of glitz and glamour, that Los Angeles award show of all award shows honouring the best and brightest of the star-studded film industry. I’m referring, of course, to the Pawscars. You may not have even realized that right around the time flaky (I mean, super-talented) people wearing outfits that could feed a medium-sized country for a decade are receiving Oscars, other talented actors and actresses are receiving Pawscars. It’s just that these other performers aren’t technically human. Yes, there is an animal version of the Academy Awards.
This year the top prize, the Lifetime Diva Achievement Award went to Crystal, a Capuchin monkey whom you might recognize as starring in Night at the Museum and Hangover Part 2, or in 25 other movies over the last 20 years. And like her human counterpart attention-seeking divas, Crystal accepted her award flaunting the latest couture floor-length dress (pink) and flourishing expensive jewelry. Unlike many Oscar award winners however, Crystal celebrated her award by eating her corsage and piddling on the podium.
Just kidding about that last part, but I’m not kidding about two construction workers in Miami who were arrested after one of them accidentally butt-dialed. For those of you not familiar with the surprisingly common phenomenon of butt-dialing (also known as pocket dialing, purse dialing or dog-stepping-on-phone dialing) this is when you accidentally and inadvertently press a speed dial number on your phone when it is in your back pocket or purse.
In the luckless Miami case, one David Fauelsen, 39, butt-called a co-worker who then overhead Fauelsen and a friend discussing plans to steal and sell company equipment. Sure enough, upon investigation, three saws were discovered missing and the two butt-dialers were arrested.
The clear lesson here is if you’re going to steal stuff, don’t carry your phone in your back pocket.
Or maybe: quit talking out of your rear end. Also: People should butt out of other people’s business.
And finally, in a non-lame butt-joke item, as reported recently in this very newspaper, the world has finally been fortunate enough to receive what we’ve all been waiting for: a Dancing Genitals Video!
Yes, in good old Sweden, where yellow-haired folks apparently dance around a lot when they’re not making meatballs and attempting to put together Ikea furniture, the public broadcaster SVT found it necessary to produce a one-minute video for children featuring “dancing genitals.”
The little animated film was ostensibly intended to promote a television series about the human body, aimed at a target audience of kids aged three to six.
This video has gone viral, which is an unfortunate thing for genitals but good for videos, and it has scored well over five million views on YouTube.
So of course, in the interest of research, I had to view the Dancing Genitals Video. I would highly recommend it.
The little cartoon features male and female private parts dancing and smiling, wearing little hats and moustaches and fluttering eyelashes.
The jumpy little ditty is priceless, even in Swedish. And according to the YouTube notes, these particular family jewels are called Snoopen (boy genital) and Snippa (girl genital), and part of the lyrics go: “Here come Willie at a run, he has no pants ... the vagina is cool, you better believe it, even on an old lady. It just sits there so elegantly.”
Too much information? Some people think so, saying it’s “inappropriate” for such a young audience — and for many of us bashful baby boomers. Others, however, including many parents, are applauding the Dancing Genitals Video as a great way to “explain about private parts to children.”
Still, it’s an awfully long way from the old birds and the bees sex education explanations of my generation. Come to think of it though, when we were little rapscallions it might have been quite a bit more interesting and educational if those male and female anatomy drawings would’ve danced and sang a little.
OK now Snoopen … meet Snippa! (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.)
Harley Hay is a local freelance writer, award-winning author, filmmaker and musician. His column appears on Saturdays in the Advocate. His books can be found at Chapters, Coles and Sunworks in Red Deer.