Hay’s Daze: A loving look back at 2038

Instead of looking back on the recently deceased 2018, wouldn’t it be fun if we were looking back on the year 2038?

OK, so maybe a sudden time travelling leap of 20 years is a little scary, given that the current years fly by at Mach 2 speed already, but what the heck, let’s pretend it’s the first week of 2039 as we looking lovingly back at the past year of 2038.

January: Now that all the collision lawsuits have been more or less resolved, electric self-driving vehicles are now compulsory. Large black trucks were banned everywhere in Canada, except Alberta.

February: In the U.S., President Natasha Obama announced a new Obamacare Health Plan. The youngest daughter of former president Barack Obama (2009-2017) is said to be “considering” a pardon for Donald Trump who, after impeachment in the early 2020s, remains in Trump Acres Federal Prison at the ripe old age of 92. In Canada, former tennis star Eugenie Bouchard of The Ontario Party was elected prime minister (again).

March: Amazon hires its 75 millionth employee, and now that all the collision lawsuits have been more or less resolved, has vowed that its delivery drones will “be a lot safer one of these days.”

April: Since declaring bankruptcy in 2035, 53-year-old Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg opens a chain of Early Retirement Homes that feature typewriters and rotary phones from the 20th century.

May: The last bookstore in Canada — Wrinkled Pages — located in Carrot River, Sask., closes.

June: June saw the minimum wage raised to 326 DDs (Digital Dollars) per hour. As expected, the official unemployment rate dropped slightly this month to just under 92 per cent.

July: Netflix reached 5,000 channels and, at a unit cost of an exorbitant 8,000 Didgies, its new 3D Hologram television projectors become the No. 1 selling electronic device of the year.

In spite of the fact that all the health lawsuits have been more or less resolved, the 3D Holographic images, introduced in 2033, are still being blamed for “itchy eyes” and “hair turning green.”

August: Just outside of Carrot River, Sask., a GPS-controlled self-driving combine chewed up 3.5 kilometres of polycarbonate fence before entering a farmyard, running over a Tesla ATV and destroying its 700 solar charging panels.

Fortunately, none of the 10,000 genetically modified 55-kilogram chickens in the yard were seriously injured.

The property owner, Dr. Reginald Smoot, was watching 10-man, high-speed MMA Contact Curling on his 3D Hologram TV at the time, but managed to kill the electric combine engine with one blast from his Dual Action Pulse-Laser 3D printer pistol.

September: On the health care front, a new bacteria was discovered. Called the Uncommon Cold, the highly infectious disease became a serious problem now that tissue paper has been banned.

Also in the news: now that stem cell cloning has been successful in creating a biologically viable appendix and a “really nice” spleen, scientists began working on regenerating organs that actually matter.

October: Stats show that more than 90 per cent of the Earth’s 42.5 billion inhabitants are now into PITS (Personal Information Technology Systems).

The hand-held devices, which replace obsolete smartphones, boast improved algorithms that control critical human decisions, regulate intense emotions and text directly from a person’s thoughts.

November: Virgin Galactic Richard Branson (age 94) and Tesla/SpaceX Elon Musk (67) have announced that their companies would be making their highly secret anti-aging serum available to the public “within a decade.”

Sources say the two zapillionaires, who both reside on the planet Mars, “look and act like teenagers.”

December: Santa hasn’t aged a bit.

Happy 2019!

Harley Hay is a Red Deer writer and filmmaker.

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