It is officially called the Victoria Day weekend in honour of our British roots here in Canada.
Most people call it the ‘May Long’ and the name Queen Victoria is probably just some random historical chick to a sizable chunk of Canadians.
But I am not here to jump a wave of misplaced indignation and chastise anybody who has no clue about the 19th century British woman in the Canadian long weekend equation. I am here to discuss the first long weekend after another long winter, because we need a reason to shake loose from cabin fever every spring in Canada.
The unequal partner in the May long equation is the weather.
There is little guarantee that winter has left the building here in Alberta by the long weekend in May. The usual pattern is a hot weekend before the long weekend and a tantalizingly close call for warm weather before the May long weekend.
My mind’s eye suggests that things historically head south weather-wise around the Thursday (Friday at the latest) before the long weekend.
The wheels really come off the good weather machine until about Sunday night or Monday of the long weekend, when the weather typically improves as people start to head home from their weekend adventures.
The basic concept behind the May Long would appear to be quite simple: enjoy the great outdoors and soak up a little quality time in the clean fresh air of the West Country in a state of perfect tranquility.
The reality of the May Long is a different animal altogether for happy campers.
The weekend is essentially one long cocktail hour where weekend warriors drink enough booze to arrive at a highly misguided belief that they are 10-feet tall and bullet-proof stunt drivers who can climb every mountain, as long as they can do it on a loud ATV with a drink in one hand.
Some of these clowns will even perform a perfect Wile E Coyote cliff manoeuvre with about the same poor gravity-defying results as the cartoon legend-but with more real broken bones.
The other side of the May Long equation is a giant collection of high school age campers with just enough 18-year-old buddies to buy three or four liquor stores out of their entire trendy beer, latest popular flavours of bottled Boozy Kool Aid products and fad flavor-of-the-week liqueurs for shots ’n’ vomit sessions.
The net result is Mount Trashmore and a motherlode of empties for anybody with a big enough trailer to house all of the unbroken bottles at ground zero after the adolescent herd has left to return home to the ‘rules and regulations’ parental guidance portion of their young lives.
I would guess that most of the natural wildlife out west will simply hunker down and bide their time until the weekend warriors head home after the carnage.
The critters have probably figured out that May long weekends are even less fun than hunting season for them and would probably choose ducking bullets in the fall over very loud and crappy music played over million-watt sound systems by obnoxious drunks in the spring every time.
I am well aware of the May long weekend game because I was a former devoted disciple of these three days of mayhem. A golden opportunity to shake loose from sobriety and common sense for a few days every spring had an irresistible quality to it.
These days, I blame my former long weekend calls of the wild on raging hormones and seriously high blood alcohol levels.
Jim Sutherland is a local freelance writer. He can be reached at jim@mystarcollectorcar.com.