Hay: New Year’s resolutions go in one year and out the other

I resolve to not scarf as many Sausage Egg McMuffins in the New Year. (Also, cheeseburgers.) In 2017 I will get up earlier, exercise like crazy and make a really brave attempt at eating kale. I will limit my Netflix binging to three episodes in one sitting. I will try really hard to remember to put out the garbage and recycling every Wednesday night.

And my Number One New Year’s resolution is to actually fulfill some of last year’s New Year’s resolutions.

It’s that time of year again (already?) when many of us try to fool ourselves into making a nice little list or maybe even a large litany of promises that will make us healthier, happier and better looking, than we already are. And we have another year to at least begin to achieve these lofty goals. But we all know what happens to those New Year’s resolutions, don’t we? As Mark Twain once said: “Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”

It’s good to take stock once in a while, to pause at least once a year to remember all the stupid things you did in the past 12 months, and vow not to repeat most of them.

Maybe I should resolve to stop trying so hard to change the past, and start obsessively worrying about the future.

That should be easy; all I have to write on my list is one word: ‘Trump.’

But some resolutions are better than others. Here a quick collection of New Year’s resolutions I found during an intensive, extensive four minute research session:

l I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

l I will try to figure out why I need 10 Internet passwords and five email addresses.

l I will find out what the word “resolution” means.

l I’m gonna to lose weight. I’m gonna exercise every day. I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it … Is that cake?”

l My New Year’s resolution is to lose just enough weight so that my gut doesn’t jiggle when I brush my teeth.

l “Attention Facebook Friends. I need to spend less time on the computer, so Dec. 31 will be my last day of Facebook for the year 2016. I will return sometime on Jan. 1, 2017. Thank you for understanding. I will miss all of you.”

l This year my wish is that everyone will get exactly what they deserve.

l This year I’m going to attempt to… Hee Hee Hee … drink less coffee and … Ha Ha Ha … drink more … Ho Ho Ho … um, water … I can’t even say it with a straight face!

l This year let’s resolve to make better bad decisions.

Let’s face it, 2016 was a large bummer for many people. A total disaster for others. I suppose one or two of the seven billion people on planet Earth had a fabulous year. Otherwise, much of it has been a bumpy ride in a proverbial hand basket. Still, there’s always hope. I hope.

l From a cat: “New Year’s resolutions: Conquer Earth. Nap more.”

l Resolutions are for people who aren’t already awesome.

l An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in; a pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

l New Year’s resolutions are a bit like babies: fun to make, difficult to maintain.

And finally I can’t think of a better way to say “Happy New Year” than this quote by professional optimist Oprah Winfrey:

“Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right.”

Happy New Year!

Harley Hay is a local freelance writer, award-winning author, filmmaker and musician. His column appears on Saturdays in the Advocate. His books can be found at Chapters, Coles and Sunworks in Red Deer.

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