It just wouldn’t be Christmastime (it is Christmastime right? It’s hard to tell with all the mess and mayhem going on in the world) – it wouldn’t be Christmas without at least four boxes of After Eight mints, at least three strings of Christmas lights that completely burn out for no apparent reason, and at least one really useful Christmas Gift Guide.
And since the first two have no doubt already happened at your house, it’s obviously time for your Yearly Christmas Gift Guide. I have taken the liberty of doing all the “heavy lifting” when it comes to researching the actually available latest, greatest, bestest (and cheapest) gifts for those “hard to get for” people such as your Better Half and/or Rotten Kids, Good Friends, Various Relatives and everyone else on your list. So all you have to do is dig out your credit card, hop on the interweb and BOOM! you’ll be done Christmas shopping by lunchtime! You’re welcome.
British Accent Breathe Spray ($5.99) Instantly transform your voice into an “amazingly realistic accent for less than a pint of beer.” The box says: “You will look more attractive and sound richer and smarter.” Also you can sound like William or Harry and or Kate or Meghan and get a hot date.
I Kissed a Republican gum. $1.49. For your loser American friends or several unfortunate Canadians, you get eight pieces of peppermint flavoured gum. The box shows a person retching into a toilet under the title “I’m Going To Hell.”
Bacon Air Freshener ($3.99) Instead of hanging one of those awful little cardboard spruce trees from your rear view mirror or spraying all that ozone shredding Febreze, why not infuse your stinky world with the heavenly smell of bacon. And the Air Freshener looks exactly like three strips of bacon! (Also available: Bacon Band-Aids, Bacon Flavored Lozenges, Bacon Dental Floss etc. Because apparently, everybody loves bacon.)
Memory Mints For Senior Moments ($3.99) You don’t have to be a senior to have senior moments. Like when you can’t find your glasses because they are pushed up onto the top of your head. These memory mints come in an attractive blue tin, with the words “Extra Strong.” (But you’ll probably lose the tin before it’s empty.) (Hint: check your coat pocket.)
Cat-A-Pencil ($3.99) This one is so fun it comes with a Danger Warning and an Ages 17+ rating. But what can go wrong with a sharpened pencil with a miniature sling shot thingy and rubber band attached onto the eraser end so that the pencil becomes a deadly projectile? It’s advertised as “target practice for your desktop” and with this catapult baby handy, nobody’s going to bother you when you’re playing Minecraft at your desk instead of working.
Emergency Inflatable Toast ($3.99) An amazingly life like piece of plastic toast you can inflate in seconds. “No longer go without toast in an emergency. No need for a toaster, or grill. Just take it out and blow it up! Amazing.”
Bathroom Guestbook ($14.99) This attractive 112 page hardcover toilet guestbook is a must for those who regularly have guests over for spicy dinners. The cover states in attractive gold lettering: “Please Sign While Sitting Down.” What a lovely keepsake bathroom reader this will prove to be many years and many flushes down the road!
I could go on (and on…) but time is running out. However, if you act now, I’m sure one or two of these fantastic suggestions may actually arrive before Christmas. If not, I have two words for you: Gift. Cards.
Harley Hay is a local freelance writer, award-winning author, filmmaker and musician. His column appears on Saturdays in the Advocate.