What? Already? The last weekend of April? I wouldn’t have believed it myself if I hadn’t noticed that April deposited large fluffy flakes of snow-pieces a few days ago which is typical of the end of April.
A bit of fleeting ‘surprise’ just when we’re all getting the optimistic notion that spring might finally be here.
But as you may know by now, the end of the month here in this vertical space of words signifies another monthly collection of wisdom pearls, silly stuff and perhaps a grin or two. As designated smile harvester, I thought many kind and thoughtful readers out there might welcome a snicker or snort or snuffle today. I know I do.
So here’s a question for you: If 4 out of 5 people ‘suffer’ from diarrhea, does that mean that one out of five ‘enjoy’ it? Also: Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced, ‘onety-one’? And I’m sure you always wondered that if a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? And speaking of pigs, if a cow laughs really, really hard, does milk come out of her nose?
Now that you’ve considered those important questions, how about a quick peek into the pages of a great little book I remember well from the 90s. The other day, a copy was thoughtfully dropped off at our house by our thoughtful neighbour across the street, who I shall call Coreen because that’s her name. It’s called “Live and Learn and Pass It On Vo 2” by H. Jackson Brown Jr. and it has many thoughtful gems sent to the author by about three gajillion thoughtful readers. For example:
I learned that girls burp as much as boys. Age 11. I’ve learned that it is just as much fun at the age of 65 to ride a carousel as it is to ride one at age 5. And, I’ve learned that no matter how much I complain about it, my husband’s snoring is one of the safest sounds I know. Age 21. Thoughtful stuff.
But back to wondering about life… If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke? Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
And of course, no discussion in the tone of ‘sad-but-true’ would be remiss without riffing on issues of health, age and decrepitude. Such as the too-truism: “Getting older is just one body part after another saying, “Haha you think that’s bad? Watch this…” Or: When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children. Just like the bottle says. Or: Husband: ‘I’m worried! I got a package today with bullets and a note in a foreign language!’ Wife: ‘Idiot, those are suppositories and a prescription from your doctor’. And how about this somewhat existential cry for attention: ‘Back in 1981 I was riding my bike and fell off and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because we didn’t have social media back then’.
And now that the burdens of the day are perhaps a smidgen lighter, I’d like to leave you with some words of wisdom that ‘friends’ have inflicted upon me: Remember: Those who confuse burro and burrow don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground. And: When one door closes, another one opens - other than that, it’s a pretty good car.
Harley Hay is a Red Deer author and filmmaker. Reach out to Harley with any thoughts or ideas at harleyhay99@gmail.com.
